<span><b><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:small;"><span style="color:#0000FF;">I'm not sure why, but as I'm reading through these I can actually picture Millbot trying a few of these out. . . .</span></span></span></b></span><br><br><span><b>WAYS TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE</b></span><span><span><br><br>
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)<br><br>
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)<br><br>
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".<br><br>
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."<br><br>
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".<br><br>
"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.<br><br>
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.<br><br>
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.<br><br>
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".<br><br>
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."<br><br>
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."<br><br>
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.<br><br>
Walk sideways to the photocopier.<br><br>
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark 17 inch paper, 99 copies.<br><br>
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.<br><br>
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.<br><br>
When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."<br><br>
Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.<br><br>
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".<br><br>
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?".<br><br>
Practice making fax and modem noises.<br><br>
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.<br><br>
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.<br><br>
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."<br><br>
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.<br><br>
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.<br><br>
Staple papers in the middle of the page.<br><br>
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.<br><br>
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.<br><br>
type only in lowercase.<br><br>
dont use any punctuation either<br><br>
Repeat the following conversation a few times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."<br><br>
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.<br><br>
When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.<br><br>
Ask people what gender they are.<br><br>
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.<br><br>
Sit in the car park at lunch time pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.<br><br>
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".<br><br>
Why not try some of the following neat little exercises, not only will it make meetings more interesting but your fellow workmates will become suddenly more alert and maintain a respectful distance. By following these simple guidelines during important meetings, you too can be an unmitigated success:<br><br>
Discreetly clasp hold of someone's hand and whisper: 'can you feel it?' from the corner of your mouth.<br><br>
Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval.<br><br>
When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the attendees, then systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them.<br><br>
Chew tobacco.<br><br>
Wear a hands free phone headset throughout once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: 'I don't care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!'<br><br>
Write the words 'he fancies you' on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen.<br><br>
Respond to a serious question with: 'I don't know what to say, obviously I'm flattered, but it's all happened so fast'.<br><br>
Use Nam style jargon such as 'what's the ETA?', 'who's on recon?' & Charlie don't surf'.<br><br>
Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly.<br><br>
Shave one of your forearms.<br><br>
Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs then avoid sitting on it, when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp.<br><br>
Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you 'love this dirty town'.<br><br>
Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for 1 minute.<br><br>
Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat.<br><br>
Reflect sunlight into everyone's eyes off your watch face.<br><br>
Gargle with water.<br><br>
Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth.<br><br>
Gradually push yourself closer and closer to the door on your chair.<br><br>
Hum throughout.<br><br>
Pull out a large roll of bank notes and count them demonstratively.<br><br>
Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes.<br><br>
Drop meaningless & confusing management speak into conversations such as:' what's the margin, Marvin?"When's this turkey going to get basted?" If we don't get this brook babbling we're all going to end up looking like doe-eyed labradors'<br><br>
Produce a hamster from your pocket and suggest throwing it to one another as a means of idea-exchange.<br><br>
Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.<br><br>
Announce that you've run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read: My secret agenda<br>
1 Trample the weak<br>
2 Triumph alone<br>
3 Invade Poland<br>
Re-collect them sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven't seen them.<br><br>
Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch.<br><br>
Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout 'I AM NOT FINISHED'.<br><br></span></span>
