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<span><b><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:small;"><span style="color:#0000FF;">I'm not sure why, but as I'm reading through these I can actually picture Millbot trying a few of these out. . . .</span></span></span></b></span><br><br><span><b>WAYS TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE</b></span><span><span><br><br>
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)<br><br>
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)<br><br>
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".<br><br>
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."<br><br>
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".<br><br>
"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.<br><br>
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.<br><br>
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.<br><br>
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".<br><br>
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."<br><br>
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."<br><br>
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.<br><br>
Walk sideways to the photocopier.<br><br>
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark 17 inch paper, 99 copies.<br><br>
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.<br><br>
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.<br><br>
When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."<br><br>
Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.<br><br>
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".<br><br>
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?".<br><br>
Practice making fax and modem noises.<br><br>
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.<br><br>
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.<br><br>
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."<br><br>
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.<br><br>
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.<br><br>
Staple papers in the middle of the page.<br><br>
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.<br><br>
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.<br><br>
type only in lowercase.<br><br>
dont use any punctuation either<br><br>
Repeat the following conversation a few times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."<br><br>
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.<br><br>
When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.<br><br>
Ask people what gender they are.<br><br>
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.<br><br>
Sit in the car park at lunch time pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.<br><br>
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".<br><br>
Why not try some of the following neat little exercises, not only will it make meetings more interesting but your fellow workmates will become suddenly more alert and maintain a respectful distance. By following these simple guidelines during important meetings, you too can be an unmitigated success:<br><br>
Discreetly clasp hold of someone's hand and whisper: 'can you feel it?' from the corner of your mouth.<br><br>
Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval.<br><br>
When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the attendees, then systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them.<br><br>
Chew tobacco.<br><br>
Wear a hands free phone headset throughout once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: 'I don't care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!'<br><br>
Write the words 'he fancies you' on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen.<br><br>
Respond to a serious question with: 'I don't know what to say, obviously I'm flattered, but it's all happened so fast'.<br><br>
Use Nam style jargon such as 'what's the ETA?', 'who's on recon?' & Charlie don't surf'.<br><br>
Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly.<br><br>
Shave one of your forearms.<br><br>
Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs then avoid sitting on it, when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp.<br><br>
Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you 'love this dirty town'.<br><br>
Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for 1 minute.<br><br>
Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat.<br><br>
Reflect sunlight into everyone's eyes off your watch face.<br><br>
Gargle with water.<br><br>
Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth.<br><br>
Gradually push yourself closer and closer to the door on your chair.<br><br>
Hum throughout.<br><br>
Pull out a large roll of bank notes and count them demonstratively.<br><br>
Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes.<br><br>
Drop meaningless & confusing management speak into conversations such as:' what's the margin, Marvin?"When's this turkey going to get basted?" If we don't get this brook babbling we're all going to end up looking like doe-eyed labradors'<br><br>
Produce a hamster from your pocket and suggest throwing it to one another as a means of idea-exchange.<br><br>
Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.<br><br>
Announce that you've run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read: My secret agenda<br>
1 Trample the weak<br>
2 Triumph alone<br>
3 Invade Poland<br>
Re-collect them sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven't seen them.<br><br>
Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch.<br><br>
Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout 'I AM NOT FINISHED'.<br><br></span></span>
 

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Carp Tammy, I've done a number of these....<br>
One I like is to call a co worker's home phone number...then ring the call into their office. If the machine at home picks up...it's funny....If a kid or spouse picks up, it's even better.....<br><br>
Swatting at imaginary flies encourages others to keep their distance.<br><br>
I did ride on the elevator while standing on my head as well...<br><br>
ETA...Did I mention that I'm looking for work????<img alt="surprised.gif" src="http://files.kickrunners.com/smilies/surprised.gif">
 

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I would try that one, but...<br><a href="http://spreadmystaplerandflyaway.ytmnd.com/" target="_blank">http://spreadmystaplerandflyaway.ytmnd.com/</a>
 

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1. Have you ever seen how big a surgical glove will get when filled with compressed gas before it explodes?<br><br>
2. Have you ever seen the results of a finger cot filled with talcum powder and then pressurized gas when it explodes?<br><br>
3, The surprise on your co-workers face when he opens his desk drawer that has an electical device attached, designed to inflict an electrical shock up on opening the drawer?<br><br>
4. The smell of a trout cooked in the office microwave?<br><br>
5. The very best one was actually a misunderstanding, but it was good for a laugh. One of the folks that I worked with was having problems adjusting to his medications as he was the manic depressive type. He was making stupid threats, innocent as far as most were concerned, Some folks thought he was dangerous, but he was just strange. He had ordered a water filter for one of our big x-ray machines. The device looks like a pipe bomb, only there are small valves on each end. Someone reported it as a suspicious device. Our brilliant bomb squad came out, got it and blew it up in a field, and of course it had nothing more explosive in it than a water filter. He had waited 6 months for that component to get the machine up and running again. I can't remember when I had a better laugh.<br><br>
Larry
 

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These are really great. Many years ago now the company I worked for remodeled the entire office with new wall partitions that seperated us (the sales force) from one another, new chairs, desks, etc. Really first class furniture. The bosses daughter was one of the salespersons who had to have a "special" chair because she thought she was special. She was married, had children, etc. so she wasn't too young. I began to lower her chair one turn of the dial every day or every other day with her or anyone else knowing about it. After a few weeks she began to complain about her back hurting all the time <img alt="biggrin.gif" src="http://files.kickrunners.com/smilies/biggrin.gif">. I did this for months until her chair reached bottom and she never did figure it out till I told her. Standing from behind her arms were almost over her head when she put her arms on her desk. I was a hero to everyone except her.
 

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Courtesy of MrF:<br><br>
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could<br>
have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from federal government<br>
employee performance evaluations.<br><br>
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom<br>
and has started to dig."<br><br>
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."<br><br>
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more<br>
of a definite won't be."<br><br>
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like<br>
a rat in a trap."<br><br>
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change<br>
feet."<br><br>
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."<br><br>
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails<br>
to achieve them."<br><br>
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."<br><br>
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the<br>
better."<br><br>
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it<br>
all together."<br><br>
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary<br>
ignoramus."<br><br>
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."<br><br>
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."<br><br>
15. "He's been working with glue too much."<br><br>
16. "He would argue with a signpost."<br><br>
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."<br><br>
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."<br><br>
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the<br>
other one."<br><br>
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."<br><br>
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."<br><br>
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."<br><br>
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train<br>
isn't coming."<br><br>
24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out<br>
looking for it."<br><br>
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a<br>
week."<br><br>
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get<br>
change."<br><br>
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."<br><br>
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."<br><br>
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."<br><br>
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only<br>
gargled."<br><br>
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."<br><br>
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
 

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FF - funny
 

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Let me guess - written by John Cheney? <img alt="wink.gif" src="http://files.kickrunners.com/smilies/wink.gif"><br><br>
Eliz
 

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Post the list below on the company bulletin board. Head it "ATTENTION ALL EMPLOYEES"... next line "From: Management"; Re: PLEASE READ: New work guidelines!<br><br>
 
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