When empathy becomes anxiety

jebba · Jul 28, 2011

I have friends whose newborn is not doing well at all. He was born with a diaphramatic hernia, which pushed his bowels up into his lungs and kept his lungs and heart from developing properly. He's 11 days old now, and on a very serious machine in a last ditch effort to convince his lungs and heart to start working properly.
 
I've always been prone to anxiety, but I find myself obsessing a bit about this baby and giving myself stomach aches. The casual cruelty of statistics or cellular mutations or whatever it is that has caused this baby's problems just overwhelms me with anger and helplessness. I keep feeling tearful and helpless. 
 
I think I am just generally anxious and have latched on to this baby as a focus to my anxiety. And it makes me think about how fucked up the world is, and how anyone we love could be harmed at any moment, and there's nothing we can do to stop it. Is it just denial and self-centerdness that allow us to move through our daily routines without being fearful or angry or sad?
 
How does one recognize pain in others without feeling immobilized by it?

merigayle · Jul 28, 2011

i have no idea. i do the same thing. especially when it is a baby, it is so hard. i think as parents we have pent up anxieties about our children, their health and their mortality and to be confronted with that reality just sets off a lot of anxiety. (((hugs))) i am a worry wart from birth, i feel your pain!

RaisingArizonainNH · Jul 29, 2011

I saw your post earlier Jebba - but I also wasn't sure what to say to you. I agree with Meri - and know for myself that especially when my children were younger, I felt their and my vulnerability much more. It was a heavy burden to me to realize that I could not protect them from all harm as I wanted to.
 For me , my faith in God helps so much- to let go and let God is one of those AA sayings, but many times it is a relief to unburden myself through my faith in God. That given, I don't understand why some are seemingly "punished" by hardship and sickness. And I still rock the anxiety in a big way on many occasions. I find I have to avoid over exposure to the many news stories that are blared at us daily- though these things happen. the media manipulates our attention. It may be wrong to not involve my attention in all the bad in the world but I have to let go of some to survive sanely! Do what you can.
 
 I will add your friend's little baby to my prayers and I do hope that a miracle will happen for them and him and he will get better.

Grizzly · Jul 29, 2011

I feel for the wee one and I don't even know the person. I don't think that there's anything wrong with you Jebba, you're a good soul, and of course as a friend you will feel pain for her and her child, but you're a mom too and that has to colour your reactions some. At the base of it all, you are a caring person. I don't think that you are immobilized by everyone's pain, if that was the case you couldn't be in the profession you are in.

jebba · Jul 30, 2011

This is what I really love about this site. I won't get a ton of replies with "there there" smilies. I get a few heartfelt and thoughtful replies from folks I care about, and who care about me. Thanks, y'all.

Floridaboiler · Aug 1, 2011

"there there" 
 
 
:-D
 
 
 
There is no easy answer to your question. I think most Humans go through this in some way shape or form. There is something that touches all of us at a deep point that makes us yearn for a way to fix that one thing. Sometimes you can fix it, sometimes you can't. Continue to offer your support to your friends. I am sure they need it.

markalan · Aug 1, 2011

Doesn't matter whether they are 11 days old or 21 years old, ( my 21 yr old DS has been dealing with Chemo for over a year now ) a parents anxiety never ends and knows no bounds. Sometimes life just sucks.

airehead · Aug 1, 2011

Yes it does. Sometimes I think our minds tend to "white noise" the world's pain when we can no longer process so much suffering. I think there is often so much in our own lives that it would be emotional and mental overload if we also worried about the world as a whole. (speaking to Jebba's original post)
 
And Markalan, my heart goes out to you. Kids should never have to deal with chemo, be they 11 or 21. 
<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by markalan <a href="/forum/thread/74702/when-empathy-becomes-anxiety#post_2008770"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> Doesn't matter whether they are 11 days old or 21 years old, ( my 21 yr old DS has been dealing with Chemo for over a year now ) a parents anxiety never ends and knows no bounds. Sometimes life just sucks.
</div>
</div>

markalan · Aug 1, 2011

One of the the Cancer Support Message boards I subscribe to posted this quote, originally it was attributed to comedian George Carlin - but, it was originally written by a Pastor back in 1990 - puts a lot of this angst in perspective
 
 
"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and 
smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. 
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our 
possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. 
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. 
We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. 
We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. 
We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. 
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. 
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. 
It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete. 
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your 
side. 
Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all 
mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak 
and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind"

When empathy becomes anxiety

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