Saturday Humor

Floridaboiler · Apr 28, 2007

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, 
but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, 
who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: 
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. 
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be 
over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me. . . Love, Dad 
A few days later he received a letter from his son: 
Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies. . .Love, Vinnie 
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at Vinny's Dad's house 
and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. 
They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man 
received another letter from his son: 
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I 
could do under the circumstances . . . I Love you, Vinnie

Floridaboiler · Apr 28, 2007

>>>The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one 
wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it 
wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted 
to take turns. 
>>>The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning 
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what 
happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and 
watched him all night." 
>>>The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same 
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what 
happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the 
roof. I watched him all night." 
>>>The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly 
ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast 
bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't 
believe it! 
>>>They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. 
I went and tucked Daryl into bed and 
kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

Floridaboiler · Apr 28, 2007

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. 
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." 
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes (naturally) -that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" 
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. 
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." 
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." 
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! 
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." 
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Buxtehude · Apr 28, 2007

Wait, so in the first story, did the dad report the "bodies" to the FBI or did the FBI intercept the letter?

liath · Apr 28, 2007

I think you may be thinking too deep <img alt="biggrin.gif" src="http://files.kickrunners.com/smilies/biggrin.gif">

Buxtehude · Apr 29, 2007

It's true. I'm very deep and wise. I just can't help it.

Buxtehude · Apr 29, 2007

Okay, I don't have any questions about the second story. I just want to keep Florida Boiler updated on my joke comprehension status.

Floridaboiler · Apr 29, 2007

That is good to see. The jokes get better as you drink more beer! or scotch or wine or margaritas!!

Floridaboiler · May 19, 2007

Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy: 
READ SLOWLY 
1. A day without sunshine is like night. 
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 
6. He who laughs la st thinks the slowest. 
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines 
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?" 
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Floridaboiler · Jul 29, 2007

THE OSTRICH A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad, " sa ys the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there ," says the man. The waitress asks, "What 's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Floridaboiler · Sep 8, 2007

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK 
1. Open a new file in your computer. 
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton" 
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin. 
4. Empty the Recycle Bin. 
5. Your PC will ask you................... 
"Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton ?" 
6. Firmly Click "Yes." 
7. Notice how much better you feel. 
PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi

Floridaboiler · Sep 8, 2007

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. 
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. 
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. 
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Fuzzy popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." 
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that D**n Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

Floridaboiler · Sep 8, 2007

> I Love Mustard. 
> 
> (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably 
> relate to this father.) 
> 
> As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a 
> fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, 
> gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I 
> carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both 
> hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. 
> 
> "Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," 
> she said. 
> 
> I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was 
> reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of 
> mustard on my fingers. 
> 
> I love mustard. 
> 
> I had no napkin. 
> 
> I licked it off. 
> 
> It was not mustard. 
> 
> No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time 
> I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each 
> hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on 
> my tongue. 
> 
> Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife 
> said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard . ."Poupon." 
> 
> When you stop laughing, pass it on. 
>

Floridaboiler · Sep 8, 2007

The Female Genie 
> 
> While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand & picked it up. Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?" 
> 
> Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog! 
> Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything." 
> 
> The shocked Genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." 
> 
> Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you." 
> 
> The annoyed Genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. 
> 
> The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, 
> Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. 
> 
> His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance. 
> 
> Alah is Good 
>

Floridaboiler · Sep 8, 2007

>> 
>> I'm the Boss 
>> 
>> The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that 
>> he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign 
>> that 
>> read: 
>> 
>> "I'm the Boss !" 
>> 
>> He then taped it to his office door. 
>> 
>> Later that day when he returned from lunch, 
>> he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: 
>> 
>> "Your wife called, she wants her sign back !" 
>> 
>>

Floridaboiler · Sep 8, 2007

At the end of a street, there was a house with a vacant lot next to it. A little girl, around 5, lived in the house. And one day construction workers came and started building a house on the vacant lot next door. There was a whole lot of commotion going on next door, so it didn't take long for the little girl to take notice. She came out everyday, and pretty soon she was the mascot of the construction site. She would sit with the workers during their lunch breaks and coffee breaks. Eventually they started giving her little jobs to do here and there. She was having the time of her life, and the workers loved having her around. 
Then one Friday came along and the supervisor handed her an envelope. Inside was her first "paycheck," $10. She raced inside to show her mom. Her mom said if she was going to keep getting paychecks, then she should go to the bank and start a savings account. So her mom brought her to the bank to deposit her earnings. The teller asked how she got the money, and the little girl told her about how she was helping to build the house next door. The teller was impressed and asked if she was going to work next week. The little girl said "I guess so. As long as those assholes at the Home Depot deliver the f*cking sheetrock!" 
almost brings a tear to the eye.....

Floridaboiler · Sep 8, 2007

The Three Little Pigs 
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. 
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. 
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. 
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. 
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. 
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. 
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. 
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. 
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. 
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy. 
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy. 
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy. 
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy," 
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?" 
You're gonna LOVE me for this.... 
The third piggy says - 
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Floridaboiler · Sep 23, 2007

New Rules for 2008 
New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn. 
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout? 
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. 
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. 
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. 
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. 
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." 
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. 
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. 
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

Floridaboiler · Sep 29, 2007

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. 
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." 
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." 
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. 
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. 
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." 
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." 
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Floridaboiler · Sep 29, 2007

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on 
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was 
tired of hearing all the bickering. 
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to 
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I 
will judge who does the better job.' 
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. 
They moused. 
They faxed. 
They e-mailed. 
They e-mailed with attachments. 
They downloaded. 
They did spreadsheets! 
They wrote reports. 
They created labels and cards. 
They created charts and graphs. 
They did some genealogy reports 
They did every job known to man. 
Jesus worked with 
heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. 
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed 
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power 
went off.. 
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in 
the underworld. 
Jesus just sighed. 
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their 
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 
'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!' 
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the 
past two hours of work. 
Satan observed this and became irate. 
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all 
his work and I don't have any?' 
God just shrugged and said, 
JESUS SAVES.

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