[Mrtambalynman]

MrsT went to a talk at the Pre-school recently. It was about relationship management (i.e., for spouses). The crux of the presenters' theory was that successful relationships require your spouse to be no. 1 and that this is actually good for your kids because children feel guilty if they are more important to you than your SO.<br><br><br>
So is your SO no. 1 in your life or are your kids no. 1 or is it even steven? Yes, this is a poll. Wait for it.

 

[tigger]

My SO is important to me but my kids are still important too, in spite of being young adults (20 & 18 ) and being a couple of thousand miles away. I see myself as an advisor nowadays rather than a parent. I also see myself as an enabler for their goals and dreams. My SO on the other hand is MY advisor and an enabler for MY goals and dreams.

 

[HighHeat]

I agree with the presenter... sort of.<br><br>
It's like 1A and 1B. They should BOTH be top priority.<br><br>
Afterall, your marriage <i><span style="text-decoration:underline;">ideally</span></i> should last longer than your direct, hands-on parenting duties... so it would be tragic to neglect that relationship for the sake of the other...

 

[Mrtambalynman]

Oh, I agree, but the kids needs are so in your face while your SO's can be a lot tougher to figure out. Plus there's the issue of fitting in personal time too particularly if you or your spouse is a introverted person who needs downtime.

 

[Chelle]

Our marriage is the foundation that supports our <b>mutual</b> priority, which is unquestionably our children. If our relationship came unraveled, we would only be half as effective in all of the myriad of things we do for our children.

 

[Mrtambalynman]

so how do you maintain that focus amongst the day to day chaos of raising your kids?

 

[Lintu]

Very interesting! I can't wait to read all the responses.

 

[HighHeat]

Agreed. It's not an easy task to balance everyone's needs. But it's not impossible either. <img alt="smile.gif" src="http://files.kickrunners.com/smilies/smile.gif"><br><br>
An SO may be more understanding of particular <i>instances</i> where their needs have to take a back seat to the children's, but if it goes on long term the marriage <b>will</b> suffer...<br><br>
How do you prioritize your SO?<br>
It's very individual. There's no magic formula other than keeping everyone in mind when you make choices, IMHO.

 

[ym]

Way back when, my Nonna gave me the same advice as the presenter. I agree with my Nonna and the presenter. I've seen too many couples sacrifice their relationship using their children as an excuse. If you stop nurturing, loving and caring for each other because you're too busy or tired with the children, every one loses, even the children.<br><br><br>
Edited to add:<br><br>
Date nights, weekends away, time alone. I think those are the best gifts you can give each other. Your kidlets get a break from you and the two of you get a much needed break from them. It is good to reconnect with the person you fell in love with.

 

[coacht]

Our kids are clearly the priority for both MrsT and me. We both realize that our relationship might suffer for that, so we try to set time aside for just the two of us, but those moments are few and far between.

 

[toe jam on crusty feet]

i have heard this before and my preacher preaches this as well, but more like Chele said. Taking care of your spouse allows you to work as a team to take care of your kids. He also says that when the kid is at the forefront for the woman (for example), you are asking the kid to fill a priority position (to be the husband) and that is too big a weight for your child. They cannot be there to "make you feel better, to be a confidant, to be the center of your life"-- that is too much pressure to aska child to fall into a role that was intended for your spouse and/or God (depending on your beliefs). This rings very true with me and I buy into it fully.

 

[Mrtambalynman]

We're very goal oriented and own an older home that needs a lot of updating. I find that when we're not taking care of the kids or chores we've got a home improvement project on the go. This year we're looking at painting the house, reparing and refinishing the front steps, getting new railings, constructing a new bedroom in the basement and building a patio in the back yard.

 

[tigger]

Upon re-reading this I've decided to re-respond to the original question.<br><br>
My wife had a relatively short (2 yr) relationship of our own before kids came along. We had one in '87 and one in '89. We spent the next 18 years focusing on the kids, mainly because our relationship had broken down and neither of us wanted to either fix it or end it. I left home three years ago for work and continued to commute to see everyone for a week each month. But after my daughter left for university every reason to commute disappeared, and we split up and went our separate ways. I can't say it was because we focused on our kids though. More like we failed to stay in touch with each other WHILE we were raising them. We remain friends with common interests, most notably....our kids.<br><br>
As for my first response, it was written in the context of my NEW SO.

 

[Chelle]

There are certain times that just for the two of us. The kids being in their teens helps a great deal, in that they can pretty much watch themselves.<br><br>
We have Friday date night. Though we don't have to pay a sitter, I would gladly sacrifice something else in order to preserve this night. It is one of the few times we get to converse with each other in complete sentences.<br><br>
DH and I do the grocery shopping together every week-end. No. Matter. What. And the kids are not allowed to come. Not that either of us particularly love grocery shopping, but they play romantic music at the grocery store, we get to talk in complete sentences, we hold hands and smooch up and down the aisles, and we make decisions together regarding our purchases. The clerks at our grocery store call us "the mushy couple". It's really fun.<br><br>
For significant decisions, i.e. expenditures, time commitments, and the like, we make all decisions together. We do not commit each other to anything without first running it by the other. And we don't allow the kids to play the devisive thing. It's lovingly clear to the children that they will not succeed at playing one agains the other.<br><br>
And, unless an emergency arises, we go to bed every night - together - at the same time. We lie in bed and talk about the day, or whatever, so that we have a few moments of reconnecting before we go to sleep.<br><br>
We do things for each other too, that maybe seem quaint or silly, but they remind us throughout the day how blessed we are to have found each other, and how important it is that we not lose each other. I iron his shirts every morning, and he always pours me my first cup of coffee. He tells me every day how beautiful and smart and wonderful I am, and I remind him every day that he is my hero. We never part without saying I Love You and exchanging a kiss and hug. Little things - but they mean a lot.<br><br>
O.K., probably more information than you wanted, but what the hey, I LOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEE by DH and could talk about our relationship all day long! <img alt="smile.gif" src="http://files.kickrunners.com/smilies/smile.gif">

 

[Complete Pete]

Mrs. Pete comes first - hands down.<br><br>
Pretty sure she'd answer DD comes first.

 

[toe jam on crusty feet]

Snooze and I aspire to these same things...... we REALLY value our together time and have discussed at length ways to keep that up once we start a family.

 

[Buxtehude]

I love that you go grocery shopping together.

 

[muzicgrl]

I dont have kids yet...heck I am not even married but I agree 100% with the presenter here. I see too many of my friends put their kids first and what they dont realize is that their kids need to see a healthy relationship modeled and to understand that they might not actually be the center of the universe. Its all a balancing act. I say this with no experience with children but I garuntee you my parents did not put me ahead of themselves and their relationship and I had a happy healthy childhood and parents that have been married over 30 years!

 

[Diane95]

Other: Me. I come first. Then my family, and I would say the kids and my wife are about even.<br><br>
You gotta put on your own oxygen mask before you can assist others. Just sayin.