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How to reply?

  • Tell friend how I feel in a kind way

    Votes: 2 10.0%
  • Keep it brief and polite, impersonal

    Votes: 13 65.0%
  • Let it go, give her slack and try to reconnect

    Votes: 2 10.0%
  • Other

    Votes: 3 15.0%
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
While I lived in DC, I had a very close girlfriend. After I moved, for the first 1-2 years we got together and communicated regularly. I was the one doing 95% of the traveling, offering more emotional support because she had some challenges, etc. I was frustrated that she'd never come to visit me (I don't live in a "destination" type place at all and she can be a bit of a snob that way) and that when my car was a) broken into and b) crushed under a tree on the two last times I visited her, costing me $$$$, she was not more sympathetic or even made a polite offer to help a bit which I would have refused, but appreciated the gesture (she makes much more than I do). Frankly she has many good qualities but is also quite self-absorbed.<br><br>
But still, we were friends ... I am a loyal person.<br><br>
Last year I was the one who needed some support and someone to talk to, and frankly, she dropped the ball. After that I pulled back energy from staying close and focused on my friendships that feel more reciprocal.<br><br>
Last week I was included on a mass e-mail from "selfish friend" announcing her engagement <img alt="smile.gif" src="http://files.kickrunners.com/smilies/smile.gif">. Showing how we've drifted, I barely knew of the guy -- it sounds like it happened fast. I am thrilled for her <img alt="smile.gif" src="http://files.kickrunners.com/smilies/smile.gif">, but at the same time given the context also feel a bit hurt to have not been in the loop earlier and recognize it's a continuation of a pattern.<br><br>
I sent a brief "congratulations" reply. She followed up by asking what's up with me, including asking me if I'm involved in something that she knows I no longer am based on a previous communication.<br><br>
Maybe our friendship has naturally run its course as they can do, especially when only one person seems willing to make a real effort to keep it going.<br><br>
Ultimately, I do feel a bit hurt and like she's an opportunistic friend, but maybe I am overreacting or not seeing my own role in this. I am considering how to respond. I don't want to be unnecessarily negative, especially during such a happy time for someone I was once very close to.<br><br>
Based on all this rambling <img alt="blush.gif" src="http://files.kickrunners.com/smilies/blush.gif">, what poll option above would you go with?<br><br>
(And, isn't it strange that friendships can be harder to navigate than family or dating relationships sometimes?)
 

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Because I don't know the friend, I'd have to say, I'm not sure what I'd do. My first instinct was keep it brief, polite, impersonal. But then I thought you maybe ought to explain yourself to her. Maybe she doesn't realize she's so self-absorbed? I don't know. But if I were her, I'd feel pretty hurt that my close friend suddenly disappeared for (seemingly) no reason. Then again, would knowing make a difference to her? Would she change her ways? Or would you just be setting yourself up again?
 

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Your friend sounds like me. I have a difficult time maintaining close friendships, because I am self absorbed, just like your friend. Believe me, I recognize this pattern going all the way back to childhood.<br><br>
The way I figured this out about myself was a few years ago when I was feeling bad that I had no girlfriends. I was cleaning out some boxes and found cards and letters from some of my closest friends over the years, and I realized how neglectful I had been, how I really dropped the ball. Since then, I have made a real effort to make and keep my friends. It still doesn't come easy to me, but the rewards are worth it. <img alt="smile.gif" src="http://files.kickrunners.com/smilies/smile.gif"><br><br>
I think the best thing to do is be gracious, be polite, but don't invest more into the friendship than what you are getting. I don't think you need to tell her anything. She'll figure it out eventually. I don't blame you at all for feeling hurt. At least you know that you're a good friend. I would re-invest that energy in other people who will reciprocate.
 

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I would let it go, but if you're not interested in maintaining a connection. . .don't bother with the attempts at reconnecting.<br><br>
I have a really hard time letting go of friendships because I'm generally a very loyal person. But what I've discovered is that when you're in a position to have these kind of thoughts about a friendship, it's because you know deep down in your heart it's not worth it. You don't have to be unkind. . .just walk away. Be polite and kind if she contacts you, but don't bother calling, emailing, thinking about her. In the last few years, I've gotten much better at this. And the people I hold dear and keep close, they're my real friends. The rest are just people I used to be close to.
 

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(((SGH)))<br><br>
I've been in a similar situation. I'm extremely loyal; to a fault sometimes...like you, I'll do anything to maintain and grow a friendship and it sucks when there is no reciprocity. It's hard to deal with people like that...they end up costing a lot, both emotionally and in terms of time and money.<br><br>
I was in my similar friend's wedding about 3 years ago now. I haven't heard from her since. I think she just wanted a person of honor and I was the sucker who got to play the part and spend the money and make her feel important...<br><br>
I'd just let it go. Be polite and short and leave things where they are. People who are self absorbed are not going to get it when you tell them that they are self absorbed...they won't be able to understand what you're talking about, and what ends up happening is that they just get mad...Me being who I am, I'd rather just bow out graciously than have a burned bridge...<br><br>
But that's just my $0.02...and it's probably worth less than that!! <img alt="smile.gif" src="http://files.kickrunners.com/smilies/smile.gif">
 

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I had to let my self absorbed friend go around Thanksgiving. It started when we were at a cattle sale and a guy that we both went to college with asked if I was still following her around. It hurt my feelings when he said it but as I thought about it I was always the one in her shadow. The friend and I would meet at the library to do school work it was a way of motivating both of us to get our crap done all in one day. Well I would call and go and she would blow me off because she was always with some guy or another well I just stopped calling and haven't heard from her since.<br><br>
I figure the phone works both ways and if she wants to be my friend she can give me a call for once. I'm tired of being in her shadow and I can't belive that I spent my time like that when I was.<br><br>
I think you did a good thing SGH I think you should just keep it polite and if she wants to re kindle your friendship she could make the effort.
 

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Having recently broke up with some friends, I'd either let it go or tell her how you feel in a kind but succinct way. Something that wouldn't drum up any drama, etc. Good luck SGH!
 

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For me it comes down to this.<br><br>
If SGH misses this girl and wishes she were a part of her life, then try to reconnect.<br><br>
If SGH doesn't really miss her, but feels some obligation/loyalty to stay friends, then I'd just let it go.<br><br>
Everyone knows that sometimes friendships just fizzle out. I wouldn't offer up an explanation unless she asks for one. Even then, I might just leave it at, "I feel we just drifted apart and wish you well in your life. Drop me a note every once and a while to let me know how you're doing!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks for the wisdom, everyone.<br><br>
I had a draft typed up that included some of these feelings. Instead I will go with the polite and courteous lob of the ball into her court in terms of rekindling ... and hope she does not ask me to be in the wedding because then I'd really not know what to say. <img alt="biggrin.gif" src="http://files.kickrunners.com/smilies/biggrin.gif">
 

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It really sucks when people let us down. I've had to let some friendships go, and much as it pained me at first, I know that my life is better for it.<br><br>
That being said, I really don't harbor ill feelings for these people. It wasn't malicious behavior on their part that led to my need to let them go. It was just that they weren't holding up their end of the bargain. But things can change, and it may just be possible that at some point in the future we will reconnect. You never know.<br><br>
Hugs and un-sloppy kisses, SGH.
 

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I haven't read the other response, but I say it's time to start cutting her loose. I know that sucks. That happened to me. A close work friend was always taking, taking, taking all my emotional support. When I went on maternity leave, she didn't send one email message or call or try to stop by and see the baby. I chat with her now when I see her, but I've demoted her to friendly acquaintance.
 

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Cut the leader ... It's a heavy piece of wire, so it takes some doing; but once you hear the POING! you know that you and the shark are no longer connected. The battle is over, and you can both move on.<br><br>
The sun is high, the breeze is warm and the beer is cold.
 
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