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<p>I've written hear about a dear friend and her battle with cancer.  It ain't going well, and she's run out of options.  A tumour in her neck has not responded to radiation, chemo isn't working and now she's on a patch for pain with breakthrough meds.  One son is studying in Europe, and they haven't called him home yet, but we are all concerned for her.  She, her husband and her other son are going to Maui for Christmas along with some friends of the son (they are seniors in HS);. </p>
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<p>I admire her coruage.  She's been playing banjo with me through it all, and a couple of weeks ago we had a bit of a cry when her arm didn't work.  I suggested that she was just tired, and commented on my own shoulder problems - saying that it might just need a bit of a rest.  I was right in that case, but it is increasingly clear that unless something near miraculous happens we are running out of runway. </p>
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<p>So that's on my mind. </p>
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<p>This week I was browsing through McGill's magazine sent to me as an alum, and my eyes caught a name I recognized in the obits.  Phil was a friend at CEGEP, a type of junior College in Quebec.  (They take the senior year of HS and the freshman year of U and that's essentially a 2 year college program). </p>
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<p>At any rate Phil was one of 4 people who almost immediately upon my arrival at college became buddies with me.  These were the first people my age to accept me for who I was.  It was an incredibly liberating experience and started me on this 35 year journey of healing.  We all went our different ways after those 2 years, and while I kept in touch with some of that gang I lost touch with Phil. </p>
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<p>So there's a measure of grief for letting friendship slide, for not acknowledging how whether he knew it or not he helped love me into life.  There's a measure of sadness at how young he was, tinged with the realization that 53 is likely not as young as I'd like it to be.  And of course the same admittance that the runway is getting shorter for me as well.</p>
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<p>And I just want to go home and play banjo, sing songs, go for walks and run my feet off, feel some joy, feel some life coursing through me.  I want to hug my family to me and hold them tight and let them know that the feeling I have for them takes my breath away. </p>
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<p>And I want to be 17 again and laughing at the joy of new found friends and seeing me in their eyes and knowing that I am okay.</p>
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<p>And I want to tell those who are important to me that I love them.  And I do.</p>
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<p>And while it may suck, getting older is better than the alternative.</p>
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<p>I'm 75 and every year I find a friend who is having some health problem and chances are their time may be short . Gosh it hurts sometimes so much.  But recently a buddy of mine for over 50 years died suddenly and I still mourn his death  and that was over 2 years  ago.  Where  he smoked all his life,  I jogged  then ran marathons and entered races all my life.  Doesn't matter,  his being gone still hurts.   My wife is not healthy, heart problems, diabetes in her daily life and I worry so much about her  but whatever will be will be. I don't know if I could go on without.   Life somedays really can suck and  those days when I go for a  run it can really lift my spirit up.</p>
<p>m</p>
 

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<p>I went for a run.  It does help.  Part of it, Milano, is on reflection worry about my folks who are your age.  Mom has a terminal illness and that does way heavy. </p>
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<p>I would rather be 75 and still running!  Good for you.</p>
 

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<p>Thanks for sharing your sadness and your joy, Grizz.  May His peace be yours and may your family also be a source of strength as you face different kinds of transitions and changes. </p>
<p>un abrazo,</p>
<p>Gilberto</p>
 

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<p>sorry for all the sadness and loss you and your friends are enduring ... believe me, I know how you're feeling ... </p>
 
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