Daily dose of PNW humor

Tamster · Jan 25, 2008

The Pacific Northwest According To Jeff Foxworthy 
1. You know the state flower (Mildew). 
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash. 
3. Use the statement 'sun break' and know what it means. 
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee. 
5 You know more people who own boats than air conditioners. 
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant. 
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the 'WALK' signal. 
8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain. 
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Tullys. 
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon. 
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima and Willamette. 
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport. 
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food. 
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark 
while only working eight-hour days. 
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho. 
16. You are not fazed by 'Today's forecast: showers followed by rain,' and 
Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers.' 
17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation. 
18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind. 
19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through 
the cloud cover. 
20. You notice, 'The mountain is out' when it is a pretty day and you can 
actually see it. 
21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still 
wear your hiking boots and parka. 
22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on. 
23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain. 
24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists. 
25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones 
after such a long time. 
26. You measure distance in hours. 
27. You often switch from 'heat' to 'a/c' in the same day. 
28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat. 
29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, winter, Still Raining 
(Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season (Fall). 
30. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them

Pie Jones · Jan 25, 2008

I don't get it.

Hippo · Jan 25, 2008

I don't either. Those are supposed to be funny? They're just obvious statements. <img alt="smile.gif" src="http://files.kickrunners.com/smilies/smile.gif"> 
Didja know that the Bananaslug is the Washington State Bird?

Econo · Jan 25, 2008

<a href="http://www.clipdude.com/photos/boringorcity.jpg" target="_blank">www.clipdude.com/photos/boringorcity.jpg</a> 
Like Hippo, I'm like "yeah, so...?" Heehee, especially the one about swimming being an indoor sport.

Tamster · Jan 25, 2008

yeah, I didn't think they were particularly funny either, maybe slightly 'snicker-worthy' for a few of them but mostly just something PNW'ers can probably relate to . . . someone sent it to me in an email.

OrangeMat · Jan 25, 2008

Yeah, well it made absolutely no sense to me... just as much as the following would probably make no sense to "youse guys".... well maybe the very last one.... New Jersey is a peninsula. Highlands, New Jersey has the highest elevation along the entire eastern seaboard, from Maine to Florida. New Jersey is the only state where all of its counties are classified as metropolitan areas. New Jersey has more race horses than Kentucky. New Jersey has more Cubans in Union City (1 sq mi.) than Havana, Cuba. New Jersey has the densest system of highways and railroads in the US. New Jersey has the highest cost of living. New Jersey has the highest cost of auto insurance. New Jersey has the highest property taxes in the nation. New Jersey has the most diners in the world and is sometimes referred to as the 'Diner Capital of the World.' New Jersey is home to the original Mystery Pork Parts Club (no, not Spam): Taylor Ham or Pork Roll. It is also home to the less mysterious but the best Italian hot dogs and Italian sausage w/peppers and onions. North Jersey has the most shopping malls in one area in the world, with seven major shopping malls in a 25 square mile radius. (That's where I live!<img alt="biggrin.gif" src="http://files.kickrunners.com/smilies/biggrin.gif">) New Jersey is home to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. The Passaic River was the site of the first submarine ride by inventor John P. Holland. New Jersey has 50+ resort cities & towns; some of the nation's most famous: Asbury Park, Wildwood, Atlantic City, Seaside Heights, Long Branch, Cape May. (There's also the "legal" nude beach, Gunnison Beach on Sandy Hook. Sun and fun!) New Jersey has the most stringent testing along our coastline for water quality control than any other seaboard state in the entire country. New Jersey is a leading technology & industrial state and is the largest chemical producing state in the nation when you include pharmaceuticals. Jersey tomatoes are known the world over as being the best you can buy. New Jersey is the world leader in blueberry and cranberry production (and here you thought Massachusetts?). Here's to New Jersey - the toast of the country! In 1642, the firstbrewery in America, opened in Hoboken. New Jersey rocks! The famous Les Paul invented the first solid bodyelectric guitar in Mahwah, in 1940. New Jersey is a major seaport state with the largest seaport in the US, located in Elizabeth. Nearly 80 percent of what our nation imports comes through Elizabeth Seaport first. New Jersey is home to one of the nation's busiest airports (in Newark), Liberty International. George Washington slept here. Several important Revolutionary Warbattles were fought on New Jersey soil, led by General George Washington. The light bulb, phonograph (record player), and motion picture projector, were invented by Thomas Edison in his Menlo Park, NJ, laboratory. We also boast the first town ever lit by incandescent bulbs. The first seaplane was built in Keyport, NJ. The first airmail (to Chicago) was started from Keyport, NJ. The first phonograph records were made in Camden, NJ. New Jersey was home to the Miss America Pageant held in Atlantic City. The game Monopoly, played all over the world, named the streets on its playing board after the actual streets in Atlantic City. And, Atlantic City has the longest boardwalk in the world,not to mention salt water taffy. New Jersey has the largest petroleum containment area outside of the Middle East countries. The first Indian reservation was in New Jersey, in the Watchung Mountains. New Jersey has the tallest water-tower in the world. (Union, NJ!!!) New Jersey had the first medical center, in Jersey City. The Pulaski SkyWay, from Jersey City to Newark, was the first skyway highway. NJ built the first tunnel under a river, the Hudson (Holland Tunnel).The first baseball game was played in Hoboken, NJ, which is also the birthplace of Frank Sinatra. The first intercollegiate football game was played in New Brunswick in 1889 (Rutgers College played Princeton). The first drive-in movie theater was opened in Camden, NJ, (but they're all gone now!). New Jersey is home to 2 out of 3 of 'NEW YORK'S' pro football teams! The first radio station and broadcast was in Paterson, NJ. The first FM radio broadcast was made from Alpine, NJ, by Maj. Thomas Armstrong. All New Jersey natives: Sal Martorano, Jack Nicholson, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Jason Alexander, Queen Latifah, Susan Sarandon, Connie Francis, Shaq, Judy Blume, Aaron Burr, Joan Robertson, Ken Kross, Dionne Warwick, Sarah Vaughn, Budd Abbott, Lou Costello, Alan Ginsberg, Norman Mailer, Marilynn McCoo, Flip Wilson, Alexander Hamilton, Whitney Houston, Eddie Money, Linda McElroy, Eileen Donnelly, Grover Cleveland, Woodrow Wilson, Walt Whitman, Jerry Lewis, Tom Cruise, Joyce Kilmer, Bruce Willis, Caesar Romero, Lauryn Hill, Ice-T, Nick Adams, Nathan Lane, Sandra Dee, Danny DeVito, Richard Conti, Joe Pesci, Joe Piscopo, Joe DePasquale, Robert Blake, John Forsythe, Meryl Streep, Loretta Swit, Norman Lloyd, Paul Simon, Jerry Herman, Gorden McCrae, Kevin Spacey, John Travolta, Phyllis Newman, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Eva Marie Saint, Elisabeth Shue, Zebulon Pike, James Fennimore Cooper, Admiral Wm. Halsey,Jr., Dave Thomas (Wendy's), William Carlos Williams, Ray Liotta, Robert Wuhl, Bob Reyers, Paul Robeson ,Ernie Kovacs, Joseph Macchia, Kelly Ripa, and, of course, Francis Albert Sinatra and 'Uncle Floyd' Vivino. Bob Meade adds: The Great Falls in Paterson, on the Passaic River, is the second highest waterfall on the East Coast of the US. You know you're from Jersey when . . . You don't think of fruit when people mention 'The Oranges.' You know that it's called Great Adventure, not Six Flags. A good, quick breakfast is a hard roll with butter. You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven. You've eaten at a diner, when you were stoned or drunk, at 3 A.M. You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery. At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen, andyou know the town Jon Bon Jovi is from. (NOT ME!) You know what a 'jug handle' is. You know that WaWa is a convenience store. You know that the state isn't all farmland. You know that there are no 'beaches' in New Jersey- there's the shore--and you don't go 'to the shore,' you go 'down the shore.' And when you are there, you're not 'at the shore'; you are 'down the shore.' You know how to properly negotiate a circle. You knew that the last sentence had to do with driving. You know that this is the only 'New' state that doesn't require 'New' to identify it (try . . . Mexico. York. Hampshire-- doesn't work, does it?). You know that a 'White Castle' is the name of BOTH a fast food chain AND a fast food sandwich. You consider putting mayo on a corned beef sandwich a sacrilege. You don't think 'What exit?' is very funny. You know that people from the 609 area code are 'a little different.' Yes they are! You know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton - that's for out-of-staters. The Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school or local bar. You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls. You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers. (You mean no one else does?) Every year you have at least one kid in your class named Tony. You know the location of every clip shown in the Sopranos opening credits. You've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of the mall. You know that people from North Jersey go to Seaside Heights, and people from Central Jersey go to Belmar, and people from South Jersey go to Wildwood. It can be no other way. You know a fellow New Jerseyite from very specific speech patterns: Gonna --- going to Wanna --- want to Donnashor --- down to the shore Jeet? --- have you eaten? youse --- plural of 'you' You weren't raised in New Jersey -- you were raised in either North Jersey, Central Jersey or South Jersey. You don't consider Newark or Camden to actually be part of the state. You remember the stores Korvette's, Two Guys, Rickel's, Channel, Bamberger's and Orbach's. You also remember Palisades Amusement Park. You've had a boardwalk cheese steak and vinegar fries. You start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February. And finally… You've NEVER, NEVER NEVER, EVER pumped your own gas. 
[snork]

hally · Jan 25, 2008

you Know You're From Long Island When... 
You know someone who went to Chaminade. 
Jones Beach Theater is the best place in the world to see a concert. CASE CLOSED! 
Is it just me, or is every girl from Rockville Centre a bitch? 
Billy Joel said it best, "Either you date a rich girl from the North Shore, or a cool girl from the South Shore." 
What's the big deal about the Hamptons? 
If you're not from Long Island or NYC, you're not really from New York. 
You don't go to Manhattan, you go to "the City" 
You know the Belt Parkway sucks! 
You never, ever want to "change at Jamaica..." 
You never realize you have an accent until you leave. 
You know where at least one strip club is. 
You can name at least three bands that came from Long Island. 
You curse. A lot. 
Is Huntington really that cool? 
You've been to Utopia at least once. 
The goddamn geese are everywhere! 
If your parents didn't, your grandparents lived in the city. 
At some point in your life you or someone you know has owned an animal that came from North Shore Animal League. 
You actually remember when you felt safe swimming at Bar Beach and Hempstead Harbor. 
Commack movie theatre scares you 
You walk around the mall aimlessly. 
You drive around your town with your friends, and that's the most exciting part of your evening. 
On the weekend, your evening consists of seeing a movie, going bowling, or playing pool. 
When you walk in the city and you see two men holding hands...it becomes normal to you. 
No word ends in an ER, just an AH. 
You feel like you know Howard Stern. 
You live in the shadow of the greatest city in the world, but you never go there. 
When you're away from Long Island, you love it and when you're there, you don't. 
You know that the beach sucks during the day and is the most magical place in the world at night 
You know the exact point at which Queens turns into Nassau simply on intuition. 
You're still waiting for a bridge to Connecticut. 
You've tried to use your father's monthly ticket to ride the LIRR. It worked. 
No matter what you do, you end up at the diner. 
Your distant future might involve the state of Florida. 
High school sports aren't that important. 
You've never been to Times Square on New Year's Eve. 
You've tried to find the Amityville Horror house. 
Each one of your diverse friends mercilessly makes fun of his own background. 
You love that salty smell of the ocean. 
No, you don't want mustard on that burger! 
The most exciting day of your summer is when all tickets to every Jones Beach show go on sale. 
You know White Castle is terrible for you and the food sucks. But, you periodically "Get the Crave" 
You want the Yankees to stay in the Bronx, but would probably go to more games if they moved to Manhattan. 
You can order a pizza pie and a soda and people will understand. 
You felt slighted when Snapple sold out. 
You don't associate Fire Island with gay men. 
You wanted Hooters to open simply to piss off "decency" groups. 
You watched a game show and wondered, "why are these people so happy that they won a trip to New York?" 
You like The Brothers McMullen. 
When you hear Billy Joel's "Scenes From an Italian Restaurant" you try to figure out what places on Long Island he's talking about. 
You know that parts of the Godfather were filmed on LI. 
You always liked Billy Joel, but as soon as you leave, you love Billy Joel. 
At some point in your life, you've gone clamming. 
You've been to the Tanger Outlets and came home with nothing to show for it. 
You have or someone you know has fallen asleep on the LIRR and ended up in one of these three places; Babylon, Port Washington or Hicksville. 
You have been to Mulcahay's on Thanksgiving Eve, the largest ladies night event 
of every year. 
You've missed that "Drunk Train", the 2:42 out of Penn and had the dreaded wait until 5:30. 
You think Islip MacArthur airport is cute and you enjoy watching it grow up. 
Your parents took you to Nathans or Carvel 
You hate the radio commercials for the Dublin Pub 
Public beach? What's that? 
You can correctly pronouce places like Happauge, Commack, Islip, Islandia, Massapequa. 
You know the location of 6 malls and a dozen McDonalds and 36 7-11's. 
You grew up thinking Chinese food was a basic food group. 
You're used to driving down the street in December and seeing more light-up menorahs than you can shake a latka at. In fact, even your non-Jewish friends know what Matzoh is. And you've never driven more than 10 miles without seeing a temple. 
Oh, your parents are from Brooklyn? So are mine! 
Yes, admit it, you've cruised the Pike. 
You can remember making up rules for ?Shotgun? calls in high school. 
Your elementary school promoted dodge ball as the top gym activity. 
You were upset when all the Roy Rogers turned into Wendy?s. 
You consider nachos and cheese at the Coliseum to be a suitable dinner date. 
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Long Island.

winejunky · Jan 25, 2008

Damn proud to be a PNWer.....One thing all of us south coast boys knew growing up was PRE.......just went and saw the documentary Spirit of the Marathon, all I could think of was , what kind of marathoner would Pre had been? Same answer each time, he would have run his guts out and then headed for a beer...my kind of runner.

iapetus999 · Jan 25, 2008

So true...i thought it was funny. 
Reminds me of a couple Seattleisms: 
What do you call one sunny day in Seattle? Summer 
What do you call two rainy days in Seattle? The Weekend <img alt="smile.gif" src="http://files.kickrunners.com/smilies/smile.gif">

rochrunner · Jan 25, 2008

You know you're from Michigan when:
<ul><li>You define summer as three months of bad sledding.</li>
<li>You think Alkaline batteries were named for a Tiger outfielder.</li>
<li>You can identify an Ohio accent.</li>
<li>Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six pack and a bucket of smelt.</li>
<li>Owning a Japanese car is a hanging offense in your hometown.</li>
<li>You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.</li>
<li>The Big Mac is something that you drive across.</li>
<li>You believe that "down south" means Toledo.</li>
<li>You know what and where the "Big Tire" is.</li>
<li>You bake with soda and drink pop.</li>
<li>You drive 75 on the highway and you pass on the right.</li>
<li>Your Little League baseball game was snowed out.</li>
<li>You learned how to drive a boat before you learned how to ride a bike.</li>
<li>You know how to pronounce "Mackinac".</li>
<li>The word "thumb" has a geographical rather than an anatomical significance.</li>
<li>You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.</li>
<li>You expect Vernor's when you order ginger ale.</li>
<li>You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but that it isn't far from Hell.</li>
<li>Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving, the opening of deer season and Devil's Night.</li>
<li>Your snowmobile, lawn mower and fishing boat all have big block Chevy engines.</li>
<li>At least one person in your family disowns you for the week of the Michigan/Michigan State football game.</li>
<li>You know what a millage is.</li>
<li>Traveling coast to coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon.</li>
<li>Half the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh.</li>
<li>You show people where you live by pointing to a spot on the palm of your right hand.</li>
<li>You know what a "Yooper" is.</li>
<li>Your car rusts out before you need the brakes done.</li>
<li>Half the people you know say they are from Detroit... yet you don't personally know anyone who actually lives in Detroit.</li>
<li>"Up North" means north of Clare.</li>
<li>You know what a pasty is.</li>
<li>You occasionally cheer "Go Lions- and take the Tigers with you."</li>
<li>Snow tires come standard on all your cars.</li>
<li>At least 25% of your relatives work for the auto industry.</li>
<li>You don't understand what the big deal about Chicago is.</li>
<li>Octopus and hockey go together as naturally as hot dogs and baseball.</li>
<li>You know more about chill factors and lake effect than you'd EVER like to know!</li>
<li>Your snowblower has more miles on it than your car.</li>
<li>Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.</li>
<li>When giving directions, you refer to "A Michigan Left."</li>
<li>You know when it has rained because of the smell of worms.</li>
<li>You never watch the Weather Channel - you can just assume they're wrong.</li>
<li>The snowmen you make in your front yard actually freeze. Solid.</li>
<li>The snow freezes so hard that you can actually walk across it and not break it or leave any marks.</li>
<li>All your shoes are called "tennis shoes", even though no one here plays tennis anyway.</li>
<li>Your major school field trip includes camping and cross-country skiing.</li>
<li>Half your friends have a perfect sledding hill right in their own backyard.</li>
</ul>

Patrick · Jan 25, 2008

OrangeMat said:
Yeah, well it made absolutely no sense to me... just as much as the following would probably make no sense to "youse guys".... well maybe the very last one.... All New Jersey natives: Sal Martorano, Jack Nicholson, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Jason Alexander, Queen Latifah, Susan Sarandon, Connie Francis, Shaq, Judy Blume, Aaron Burr, Joan Robertson, Ken Kross, Dionne Warwick, Sarah Vaughn, Budd Abbott, Lou Costello, Alan Ginsberg, Norman Mailer, Marilynn McCoo, Flip Wilson, Alexander Hamilton, Whitney Houston, Eddie Money, Linda McElroy, Eileen Donnelly, Grover Cleveland, Woodrow Wilson, Walt Whitman, Jerry Lewis, Tom Cruise, Joyce Kilmer, Bruce Willis, Caesar Romero, Lauryn Hill, Ice-T, Nick Adams, Nathan Lane, Sandra Dee, Danny DeVito, Richard Conti, Joe Pesci, Joe Piscopo, Joe DePasquale, Robert Blake, John Forsythe, Meryl Streep, Loretta Swit, Norman Lloyd, Paul Simon, Jerry Herman, Gorden McCrae, Kevin Spacey, John Travolta, Phyllis Newman, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Eva Marie Saint, Elisabeth Shue, Zebulon Pike, James Fennimore Cooper, Admiral Wm. Halsey,Jr., Dave Thomas (Wendy's), William Carlos Williams, Ray Liotta, Robert Wuhl, Bob Reyers, Paul Robeson ,Ernie Kovacs, Joseph Macchia, Kelly Ripa, and, of course, Francis Albert Sinatra and 'Uncle Floyd' Vivino. You forgot to mention the one dearest to a lot of us runners, the runner philosopher, George Sheehan You know that WaWa is a convenience store. And WAWA originated in WAWA, PA and began as a Milk farm.

rosecoloredglasses · Jan 25, 2008

<div style="text-align:center;">You Know You're From Hampton Roads If...</div>
<blockquote>
<blockquote>
<blockquote>
<blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote>You have to adopt a surrogate professional sports team because you live in the largest metropolitan area without a single one.
 
<blockquote></blockquote>You don't stop and look skyward when aircraft fly over.
<blockquote></blockquote>You can see another 7-11 from the 7-11 where you're standing.
<blockquote></blockquote>You know that 64 West in Chesapeake
<blockquote></blockquote>is actually going east.
<blockquote></blockquote>You can name at least three of Mike Joynes' law partners.
 
<blockquote></blockquote>You can finish the "Beach Ford" song...
<blockquote></blockquote>While away from home, you can identify a fellow HR resident by their being the only one in a 17th Street shirt and flip flops. In December.
<blockquote></blockquote>You know
<blockquote></blockquote>Mount Trashmore is a real place, not a joke.
 
<blockquote></blockquote>Any westbound trip you've ever made involves at least one tunnel.
<blockquote></blockquote>You can name at least three underwater tunnels within a twenty miles radius of your home.
<blockquote></blockquote>One of your Adopt-A-School partners in elementary school was a U.S. Navy vessel.
 
<blockquote></blockquote>You can say "Norfolk" while sounding neither obscene nor incorrect.
<blockquote></blockquote>You know that on-base purchases have no sales tax.
<blockquote></blockquote>Newport News is not a catalog, it is a city.
 
<blockquote></blockquote>It's not a peninsula, it's the Peninsula
<blockquote></blockquote>. With a capital P.
 
<blockquote></blockquote>You can name all the I-64 spurs.
<blockquote></blockquote>It's not
<blockquote></blockquote>Portsmouth, it's P-town.
 
<blockquote></blockquote>It's not
<blockquote></blockquote>Virginia Beach Boulevard, it's just The Boulevard.
 
<blockquote></blockquote>The Strip isn't a nudie bar, it's a tourist trap.
<blockquote></blockquote>To you, Scope isn't just mouthwash.
<blockquote></blockquote>The Boathouse doesn't actually dock any boats.
<blockquote></blockquote>You know what WRV, Hotline, Roxy, Billabong, and Quiksilver are.
<blockquote></blockquote>You know Dam Neck and Birdneck aren't necks of any kind.
<blockquote></blockquote>You don't mind the jet noise.
<blockquote></blockquote>You don't slow down in the tunnel, because it's not a big deal. (Stupid out-of-towners.)
<blockquote></blockquote>Walking up hills causes an instant asthma attack.
<blockquote></blockquote>You can go surfing and strawberry-pickin' in the same day.
<blockquote></blockquote>No, it's a city. Not a county.
<blockquote></blockquote>You can leave town for years at a time to find the same sections of roads still under construction.

OrangeMat · Jan 25, 2008

Patrick, what I posted was from an email I had received, so I claim no authorship! Though I do have to admit, the first time I had ever heard of a WaWa was when I was in college, in Lancaster (pronounced LANcaster, not LanCASter), PA. Where I live, we don't even have any Dennys'!

Tamster · Jan 26, 2008

Ok - I'm going to tuck this in here because I don't want to start another "joke" thread. I just got this from a friend and was rolling! There might be a few women who can relate, or maybe even a few men . . . you poor poor men . . . <img alt="sad.gif" src="http://files.kickrunners.com/smilies/sad.gif"> This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter. 
Dear Mr. Thatcher, 
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. 
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces 
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing? 
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend 
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by a bunch of drunken chimps, Crazy! 
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.' 
Are you f**king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. 
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us? 
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always. 
Best, 
Wendi Aarons 
Austin , TX

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