Joined
·
8,086 Posts
<p>A friend of mine has asked me for advice about her daughter. The daughter (I'll call her Zoe) is 6 years old. She has been known to throw temper tantrums from time to time, and sometimes gets out of control enough that she kind of scares herself. She'll occasionally try to hit, and tries to think up naughty words to shout, like "booty" and "poop." All fairly normal stuff as far as tantrums go.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Zoe is adopted and has been with my friend since birth. She has birth siblings whom she sees a couple of times a year. The siblings are also adopted, so the adoptive parents set up phone conversations and visits. It is also an open adoption, so the birth mother sees the children together maybe once a year. The birth mom is kind of a hapless/depressed pothead who is 24 or 25 years old, and has given birth to 6 or 7 children.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Anyway, last night Zoe had a tantrum. I don't know what started it, but I assume it was around bath time, because my friend says it involved Zoe running outside naked and trying to rip the plants out of the planters in front of the house. She also tried to bite my friend, and screamed her head off for a good hour to two hours. This morning, apparently she was still in tantrum mode and threw a flip-flop at my friend. At one point, my friend told her that she needed her to be "a girl who makes good choices." Zoe screamed back, "Too bad! You got me!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I don't know what to advise my friend. This tantrum seems a bit above and beyond normal, but I don't know. My own 6 year old has had tantrums, but usually they involved crying and lying on the floor, never anything of this magnitude.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Zoe's tantrum seems really extreme to me, and maybe has some other underlying issues involved, but I'm no expert on tantrums. I don't want to express unwarranted concern to my friend. But if Zoe is hurting emotionally in some way, and they can get at the issue, it seems like that should be done.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I don't know if this is relevant, but my friend and her husband are white. Zoe is african american and latina, but looks african american. Her birth siblings are all latino. 4 of them have the same adoptive parents, and the two youngest live with their biological father (who is not the father of the other 4 or 5 kids). The adoptive family who has the 3-4 older siblings would have taken Zoe, too, but the birth mom did not inform them about Zoe's impending birth. I think she was trying to hide the pregnancy from her own family because she knew the baby would be african-american, and I guess that would have been a big problem for the family.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What do you think? Should I express sympathy and otherwise butt out? My friend and I are very close, and she has asked for advice, so I don't think she'd get mad at me if I expressed concern.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Zoe is adopted and has been with my friend since birth. She has birth siblings whom she sees a couple of times a year. The siblings are also adopted, so the adoptive parents set up phone conversations and visits. It is also an open adoption, so the birth mother sees the children together maybe once a year. The birth mom is kind of a hapless/depressed pothead who is 24 or 25 years old, and has given birth to 6 or 7 children.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Anyway, last night Zoe had a tantrum. I don't know what started it, but I assume it was around bath time, because my friend says it involved Zoe running outside naked and trying to rip the plants out of the planters in front of the house. She also tried to bite my friend, and screamed her head off for a good hour to two hours. This morning, apparently she was still in tantrum mode and threw a flip-flop at my friend. At one point, my friend told her that she needed her to be "a girl who makes good choices." Zoe screamed back, "Too bad! You got me!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I don't know what to advise my friend. This tantrum seems a bit above and beyond normal, but I don't know. My own 6 year old has had tantrums, but usually they involved crying and lying on the floor, never anything of this magnitude.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Zoe's tantrum seems really extreme to me, and maybe has some other underlying issues involved, but I'm no expert on tantrums. I don't want to express unwarranted concern to my friend. But if Zoe is hurting emotionally in some way, and they can get at the issue, it seems like that should be done.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I don't know if this is relevant, but my friend and her husband are white. Zoe is african american and latina, but looks african american. Her birth siblings are all latino. 4 of them have the same adoptive parents, and the two youngest live with their biological father (who is not the father of the other 4 or 5 kids). The adoptive family who has the 3-4 older siblings would have taken Zoe, too, but the birth mom did not inform them about Zoe's impending birth. I think she was trying to hide the pregnancy from her own family because she knew the baby would be african-american, and I guess that would have been a big problem for the family.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What do you think? Should I express sympathy and otherwise butt out? My friend and I are very close, and she has asked for advice, so I don't think she'd get mad at me if I expressed concern.</p>