Britain is Repossessing the USA - From Mr John Cleese

<b><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:large;"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><b>Britain</b></span></span></span></b> <b><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:large;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">is Repossessing the U.S.A.</span></span></span></b><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">A message from John Cleese (Comedian and Monty Python Founder)</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">To: The citizens of the United States of America:</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">In view of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary').</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">3. Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Holden Monaros are also approved.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">God save the Queen..</span></span></span><br><br><br><br><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">John Cleese<br><br><br><br><img alt="biggrin.gif" src="http://files.kickrunners.com/smilies/biggrin.gif"><br></span></span></span>