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<p>I have many siblings and I recently got together with a few of them.  (I have not visited my parents in over a year)  I saw them for a short time at my uncle's funeral.    Anyway, my sis made a comment that my mother made a remark that she has a daughter that "doesn't like her".    Anyway, I'm not sure what my feelings are to be honest. </p>
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<p>  I had HUGE falling out with my mother many years ago.   Basically, I needed a place to stay for a week (we sold our house, my dh was doing some AF training and we weren't waiting until he and I and my 2 year old and 1 month old could move across the county into our new home together).  I put my dog in a kennel in my parents town.   This was all planned in advance.  Meanwhile my brother decides to come home with his girlfriend.  My parents have only 2 extra rooms and my brother got one, his girlfriend the other.   I got the couch, my 2 year old the floor, and my 1 month old the portable crib.   Well, it was late at night and my mom and bro's gf were sitting on the couch and I asked if they could move to the other room so that I could "go to bed" (heck, i had to get up to nurse in 2 hours).   Well, the next day, my brother packs up and leaves and my mother screams at me for "being rude" .......it was huge.......I was crying, I packed my kids up in the car, my mother went to say something to my son and he cringed at her and she totally went off on me.   I ended up staying at a sister's house for a few days and my dad called to ask me to "stop by" that my mom felt bad.   Needless to say, she never apologized and years later the best she could come up with was "I just came seem to understand you, you are so independent".   whatever...</p>
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<p>So anyway, the family needs to plan a big event for my parents.  I can't bring myself to do it.  I've somewhat gotten over the past, but recently my parents have been giving "things" to siblings....I haven't so much as gotten a phone call.   If I ever got a call, I'd be in the car to visit in minutes.  Growing up, I did everything I could to be "good".   I just got tired somewhere along the way, but anyway, how do I make my siblings see my point...I'll attend an event, but it is too draining for me to plan it.</p>
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<p>I wish I had advice.  ((sue))</p>
 

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<p>{{fox-runr}}</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I don't know your Mom, so this might be stupid advice:  Don't wait to long for the other person to make the first move.  Send a note or flowers or something.. give it a shot.  You may never get an apology, but you don't want to wait till too late to try to have a relationship with her again.</p>
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<p>It all sounds very painful, and that last paragraph should be ignored if she is so abusive that it will cause you too much grief to have her in your life again.</p>
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<p>As for the planning... maybe you could contribute, but in a less emotionally invested way (ie money instead of time and ideas).</p>
 

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<p>Sorry Sue. That sucks.</p>
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<p>I am the black sheep of my family. Everyone else are socialist, atheist, non drinking vegetarians.</p>
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<p>I am a proud capitalist, a practicing Jew, I feel that a meal is incomplete without beer or wine and I usually eat meat 2x day. (usually in the form of fish or chicken)</p>
 

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<p>Sue.  You might not like what I'm about to write, but so be it, it's offered in honesty.</p>
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<p>At the heart of the question as to whether to participate in the planning of this event or not is the whole issue of your relationship with your parents. </p>
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<p>You don't have enough time or energy to plan - don't.  But it is clear that that's not the reason.  Your asking the question seems to me that you know that if anything has to change here it will involve someone making the first step. </p>
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<p>Whether or not you feel you should make that step is up to you, but I would wager that your parents won't be making that step.  I can't tell you what to do, I only know that there will come a time (and maybe it is already passed in your case) when it is too late to take any steps.</p>
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<p>I am not in your shoes, but I can imagine that taking that step might be very difficult.  You have to weigh whether the pain of dredging up old stuff is worth the gain of having a better relationship with them.  You also have to have a realistic view of potential outcomes before making a step.  Real life isn't usually like a Hallmark special. </p>
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<p>As I said, your parents likely will not make that step, and so the ball is in your court. </p>
 

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<p>Another Black Sheep reporting for duty.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I suppose getting divorced sealed the deal.  But I think I see things differently, I'm definitely more liberal in some ways than the rest of my family. </p>
 

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<p>Black Sheep here. I was recently not invited to my only brother's wedding because my mother said having me there would ruin her day. I have not spoken to her in 6+ years and my life is better for it. It is tough, and it is sad, and I know how you feel.</p>
 

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<p>Funny, I see everyone else as the black sheep here...not you guys.  : )</p>
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<p>Fox-runr...I'm not sure what to tell you.  Families can be awesome and awful, sometimes at the same time.  I moved back to my home town after being away for 18 years because I wanted to be closer to my family.  I could have chosen to live closer to friends, but I wanted my kids to know their grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.  I can't say I regret the decision, but there's been times where it's awfully trying.  Even right now, there's drama.  My niece refuses to speak to me, says she hates me.  It's a long story, so I won't go into it.  I know I'm not in the wrong here but it hurts just the same. </p>
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<p>I really hope you can come to some sort of peace with all of it.</p>
 

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<p><br><br>
I could have posted that, almost verbatim  ... my mom is a martyr ... if you don't have problems and 'need' her help you don't get anything but complaints and discussions about the ones that do need her help and that are held hostage by her rants and opinions on EVERYthing ... no thanks ...</p>
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<p>sorry for the hijack  .... and sorry you live this sort of existance too ...  don't hold your breath waiting for her to change.  :-(</p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>fox-runr</strong> <a href="/forum/thread/69329/anyone-else-the-blacksheep-of-the-family#post_1930794"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>I have many siblings and I recently got together with a few of them.  (I have not visited my parents in over a year)  I saw them for a short time at my uncle's funeral.    Anyway, my sis made a comment that my mother made a remark that she has a daughter that "doesn't like her".    Anyway, I'm not sure what my feelings are to be honest. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>  I had HUGE falling out with my mother many years ago.   Basically, I needed a place to stay for a week (we sold our house, my dh was doing some AF training and we weren't waiting until he and I and my 2 year old and 1 month old could move across the county into our new home together).  I put my dog in a kennel in my parents town.   This was all planned in advance.  Meanwhile my brother decides to come home with his girlfriend.  My parents have only 2 extra rooms and my brother got one, his girlfriend the other.   I got the couch, my 2 year old the floor, and my 1 month old the portable crib.   Well, it was late at night and my mom and bro's gf were sitting on the couch and I asked if they could move to the other room so that I could "go to bed" (heck, i had to get up to nurse in 2 hours).   Well, the next day, my brother packs up and leaves and my mother screams at me for "being rude" .......it was huge.......I was crying, I packed my kids up in the car, my mother went to say something to my son and he cringed at her and she totally went off on me.   I ended up staying at a sister's house for a few days and my dad called to ask me to "stop by" that my mom felt bad.   Needless to say, she never apologized and years later the best she could come up with was "I just came seem to understand you, you are so independent".   whatever...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So anyway, the family needs to plan a big event for my parents.  I can't bring myself to do it.  I've somewhat gotten over the past, but recently my parents have been giving "things" to siblings....I haven't so much as gotten a phone call.   If I ever got a call, I'd be in the car to visit in minutes.  Growing up, I did everything I could to be "good".   I just got tired somewhere along the way, but anyway, how do I make my siblings see my point...I'll attend an event, but it is too draining for me to plan it.</p>
<p> </p>
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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>merigayle</strong> <a href="/forum/thread/69329/anyone-else-the-blacksheep-of-the-family#post_1930894"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Black Sheep here. I was recently not invited to my only brother's wedding because my mother said having me there would ruin her day. I have not spoken to her in 6+ years and my life is better for it. It is tough, and it is sad, and I know how you feel.</p>
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<p><br><br>
:-(    it took me 7 years to be able to be at a family function with my mom there ... another 2 before I would go for a 'visit' w/o a reason .. I still cringe when the phone rings and usually let the answering machine screen it and rarely return calls from my mom ... the only way I can cope with her is to remain completely superficial and just leave when she starts spouting off her ignorant BS</p>
 

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<p>(((Hugs))) to all who need them. </p>
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<p>Everyone's family is disfunctional in some way.  That doesn't make anyone's drama or issues less relevant, but maybe it does help to know that you're not alone... that we all have family drama, people who make us feel like shit, and relatives we'd rather not deal with. </p>
 

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<p>   I am sorry for you and  everyone else here who has had to deal with such painful family relationships.  I am the odd duck of the family .. not really a black sheep..</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  Fox-runr- Have you written what you just said to us here, to your mom?  It really sounds like she doesn't understand you or what she is doing. It may relieve <em>your</em> part of this and let you be able to let it all go to.</p>
<p>    What if you just say part of what you said here to your siblings. Then set your limits  with the party- =  I will be there.  I will get some flowers or pick up a gift ( what ever role YOU choose to do) and then let them make it work.</p>
<p>   ( I haven't had such a problem with my family - but they have much more  $ than I and when the planing comes to those anniversaries - I cannot afford to pay a "share ."  I told them that WAY back at my parents 50th anniversary party - I bought the turkeys at the local turkey farm for the buffet....  LOL .. they did the rest....   See what I mean about the Odd duck thing?  )</p>
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<p>  I hope you can work it out. .. I just saw my mom yesterday for what may be the last time. She is 95 and in  failing health.  It might be worth working it out for you .two- people change as they age on both parents and kids parts....    </p>
 

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<p>Sue,</p>
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<p>I'm probably a grey sheep. Not ambitious enough for some.  </p>
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<p>I re-read your post 2x and as a guy with some sense of chivalry I'm pretty disappointed in the actions of your brother.  He should have given you the room and taken the couch.  The girlfriend is innocent.  Mom is insensitive and too prideful.</p>
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<p>The brother could fix this all up by stepping in now and saying that he completely fucked up that night and put everyone in a bad spot.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>((Foxy))</p>
 

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<p><br>
There would've been a time that I would've encouraged you to "make nice" with your parents.  Over the last few years, I've learned that that's not always possible.  I suspect that my MIL is much like your mother.  Though you've only told one instance in what I assume is a years long saga, I suspect I could guess at many of the other manipulative & selfish details.  Ironically, my MIL also decribes DW as "independent" because she doesn't hang on her mother's every word & consult her / ask permission for every decision she (or, we) make.  Similar to Merigayle's story, our wedding was a classic example.  We were instructed not to invite DW's brother because that would ruin MIL's day & "a mother waits a lifetime for her daughter to marry and that shouldn't be taken away from her" (or, so says MIL).  We invited the brother anyway (the brother was my best friend at the time); the MIL was still threatening not to come as late as the night before.  In the end she came, but then didn't speak to us for almost a year & told DW horrible things like "you're not my daughter anymore" and "I never want to see or speak to you again."  A year later, she acted like everything was fine & nothing ever happened.  Never once did she attempt to apologize or bear any part of the responsibility.  I voted for never speaking to her again.  Frankly, she causes more havoc for me than anything.  BUT, Mrs. Sputnik loves her.  She recognizes that her mother will not change & that all that can be changed is DW's expectation.  Her family will never be the close, idealistic family that she dreams of.  Consistently recognizing that & setting expectations accordingly really seems to help.  Limited involvement (but still involvement) - visiting or talking when convenient/best for DW, not responding to drama, etc. seems to help.  I guess I've rambled on more about my wife's situation than anything - mostly because I feel like it parallels your experience.  I would suggest that you recognize that she IS your mother & because of that you do love her and/or care about her and that you contribute (in general to the family or to this specific event) to the degree that you are most comfortable with.  But, YOU have to establish those boundaries for yourself and hold them firm because your mother & others will definitely push against them.  And, your mother & others will surely not understand EVER where you're coming from or why you're "acting that way."  I so wish there were an easy solutions for these type of dynamics.  Unfortunately, there aren't.  Best of luck.</p>
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<p>I'm the family curmudgeon.  I dread going to family get togethers.  I don't want to hear stories from my psuedo-biker sister and her bf about "the Harley" as they strut around in their HD crap thinking they are Hell's Angels, I don't want to argue politics anymore with my uber-liberal brother, I don't want to listen to my mom tell me about the awesomely fantastic lives my brother & sisters are leading.  I thoroughly enjoy my life under the rock with two awesome sons, a grandson who is the funniest kid this side of the Mississippi and a gf that is rocking my world.</p>
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<p>Being a good brother/son I still go to family functions but sometimes i purposely stir the pot...</p>
<p>esp. with my brother.  He's a smug wealthy asshole who wonders why we can't all afford $9000 cruises to Alaska.  I enjoy mentally kicking his ass on occasion.</p>
 
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