A Workout Ate My Marriage

hobey · Feb 1, 2011

No...not mine...<img alt="rolleyes.gif" src="http://files.kickrunners.com/smilies/rolleyes.gif">
 
Interesting WSJ article about how training affects relationships.
 
<a href="http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703439504576116083514534672.html" target="_blank">http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703439504576116083514534672.html</a>
 
It brought to mind last Mother's Day when I went up Skyline for my annual Mother's Day morning hill ride. A treat for me since Sunday mornings are usually reserved for BrewDad's Grumpy Old Runner Koffee Klatch LR. A peloton, about 40 strong, of 30-50-something men passed me at the top. They can't all have abandoned their wives and families at prime time on Mother's Day morning, could they?
 
Balance, balance, balance!

MBannon · Feb 1, 2011

I think humans in general, but especially males, have been conditioned over the gerations to really want to see just how good they can be (well technically, the ones who *don't* have that ambition have been bred out). In many Asian cultures, that question is "how good a worker can I be?" In this country, it has been evolving away from that question, leaving many men searching for some new way to measure success. You really can't measure how good a father or husband you are, but you sure as hell can measure how fast a runner you are.
 
I'm not excusing the guys who train on Mother's Day, just suggesting there is a very deep compulsion to do so. And it needs to be that way for the good of the species, it's just that we currently have no productive outlet for that drive.
 
A good article. Too bad most of the people who need to read it will be too busy training to do so.

jroden · Feb 2, 2011

sounds like these guys married themselves a muffin and hoped that things would change or perhaps the converse where the ladies married a racehorse and expected to turn him into a plowhorse. Funny how that doesn't work so hot. Me and the jock I married get on fine 20 years later.

AdCo · Feb 2, 2011

See and I could see doing this for 1 race or for a bit, but as a constant, it wouldn't seem fair.. Plus, getting home after my kids ate and being in bed before them and gone when they woke up... I don't have kids, and for a term I think it's ok, but not as a lifestyle..

Rainey · Feb 2, 2011

no kids, active wife, problem solved. I can't imagine giving up my workouts it is a big part of myself so that was a big screening tool when I was dating.
 
I can't imagine saying "honey" I am getting up at 6am on sunday and I'll be back by the afternoon, EVERY WEEKEND unless she was doing the same. Ok it's not every
maybe 4 times/year we sleep in past 6.

hobey · Feb 2, 2011

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by jroden <a href="/forum/thread/72445/a-workout-ate-my-marriage#post_1981208"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> Me and the jock I married get on fine 20 years later.
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I have to think the jock would still have something to say if you never saw your adorable kids because you were out training. You and DW have struck that balance between pursuing endurance sports and raising a family.
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Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by AdCo <a href="/forum/thread/72445/a-workout-ate-my-marriage#post_1981276"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> See and I could see doing this for 1 race or for a bit, but as a constant, it wouldn't seem fair.. Plus, getting home after my kids ate and being in bed before them and gone when they woke up... I don't have kids, and for a term I think it's ok, but not as a lifestyle.. 
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Yes that.
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Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by Rainey <a href="/forum/thread/72445/a-workout-ate-my-marriage#post_1981282"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> no kids, active wife, problem solved. I can't imagine giving up my workouts it is a big part of myself so that was a big screening tool when I was dating.
 
I can't imagine saying "honey" I am getting up at 6am on sunday and I'll be back by the afternoon, EVERY WEEKEND unless she was doing the same. Ok it's not every
maybe 4 times/year we sleep in past 6.
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It can still be done with kids. DH and I both do endurance sports (marathons/tris) and we have one kid but there are still times we have to suck it up and make the "not train" choice. We're the freaky couple who runs to soccer games and bikes to t-ball games. I think Adam hit the nail on the head. For a few races, it's doable. As a lifestyle, not so much.

jenotter · Feb 2, 2011

An interesting article indeed! I have definitely changed my workout routines since having the Little Otters, but I feel very grateful that DH knows training and racing is important to me and I've been able to keep it up. I think part of the reason it works is because he place ice and roller hockey...so he has his "thing" and I have mine.

Tri-Tammy · Feb 2, 2011

Definitely not my family either. And definitely not me. I have always scheduled my workouts around my family. Life is too short to miss the good stuff.

mrscoby78 · Feb 2, 2011

I also agree with Adco. 
 
I do a lot of scheduling around family. Like weights during tae kwon do, for example. DH knows its what I enjoy and it makes me happy, so he's very understanding - even though he's not into it and really doesn't *get* it. I can travel to races now and again and its not a huge deal. But at the same time, he knows he can go get a drink or see a movie with a buddy and that's not a huge deal either. AND I do my share around the house....nobody feels neglected due to training.
 
I have an issue with a person who 1) knows their SO is this way, and pretends to be okay with it, and then later is not OR 2) who isn't this way, and suddenly decides it's the end all/be all of their existence. 
 
#1 isn't fair to the athlete....this should not have been a surprise to the non-athlete
#2 isn't fair to the non-athlete....s/he really didn't know they were signing up for.
 
Compromise people!

juliemboyle · Feb 2, 2011

This is an interesting topic. When I first got into racing DH and I had quite a few "discussions" about my training and was it getting in the way of the family. I did everything I could so that it didn't get in the way...........heck when I was training for HIM, I took 5 vacation days (every Friday) to do my long rides while the kids were at camp. This was a new passion for me so I did feel I needed to try to make everyone happy (including myself and fulfilling my tri days).
 
I will tell you I've only done 1 HIM because I found trying to balance it with work, kids and everything else going on was stressful and not fun. I am so glad I did it, it was a great experience but taking a few years off that kind of time intensive training was a good decision for me. I am doing a 111 charity ride this summer and don't have that many vacation days anymore, so will have to do my long rides on Saturday mornings...........but I'll ask DH what timing would be better for him for me to go and for 6 or so weeks, it will be fine.
 
I guess the answer is you need to find a balance. I love training and racing but would never let it get between me and my family.............and yes, I have run to and biked to Lacrosse and Soccer, you just have to be a little resourceful!!

jroden · Feb 2, 2011

I think the demands of training for an ironman length race while working full time and being a parent are simply excessive for most people. I train maybe 12 hrs a week doing once a day workouts and it pretty well burns my time to the limit. 20 would really come out of the time i spend with my kids and would be too selfish for me right now.

master_of_none · Feb 2, 2011

balance is the key term here. A couplke of years ago the Marbelhead tri was on Mother's Day. They have since rescheduled it. Since my riding group likes to get out early I can usually pull it off since my DW likes to take this chance to sleep a little longer. And over the last couple of years we have played golf on Mothers Day with some friends so it's the best of both worlds.

zojmn151 · Feb 2, 2011

Agree - I have two kids and a very active DH...we trade off, get the kids invovled and just don't train when it doesn't work out. 
 
For a set amount of time, ok, because you can see the end in sight, but constantly, I think it is unfair and selfish.
 
My kids are older now and have started training with me...or me with them. ;p I am enjoying that so MUCH more! DD wants to do a sprint tri relay w/me and her brother this summer...THAT should be fun! ;p
 
Oh and I am also one of "those" parents that will get a run or ride in while the kids are at practice...
 
Balance is key!

ksurp · Feb 2, 2011

I'm all with balance & moderation too. Multisport is my only hobby and social life and I'm quite happy about it. Many of the other moms around here do weekend scrapbooking "marathons" or dinner/drinks/shopping, etc. I stay away from that stuff because it isn't my passion.
 
We have a nice balance of seasonal sports here. Spring/summer/early fall is for me with my Thursday night ladies cycling club and weekend races. Late fall/winter/early spring is for DH and the boys. DH plays men's league hockey, son 1 plays basketball and snowboards, son 2 plays ice hockey. The youth hockey commitment is huge. Games are every Saturday & Sunday from late Oct to early March plus 2 practices on weeknights. I drive a lot in the winter months. We don't push fall and spring sports with them because they aren't into soccer or baseball.
 
The best thing is that we each have our athletic passion and encourage each other to work hard at it and have fun. It is important that my boys realize that DH & I each have our own "activity" to keep us active and healthy. Of course there is a lot of planning, coordination, and compromising about who attends what game, who gets to hang out in the freezing cold rink, how many tris I sign up for, if DH plays summer league ice hockey, etc etc.
 
It was interesting reading the WSJ article & reader comments. I got the sense that many of the readers who commented think that all triathletes are like the one featured in the article and that certainly isn't the case.

Yo Sake · Feb 2, 2011

This is exactly why I don't see myself training for Ironman. It just wouldn't work with family and full-time job. When I started training seriously for triathlon, DH and I had many discussions and some rocky moments. But as I got better at balancing (and squeezing short workouts during the kids' activities, etc) and he started to understand better that I enjoy training/racing, the things got much better. Now he himself races (running, MTB, Duathlon) and we train together time to time, it is our hobby.

jroden · Feb 4, 2011

That said, I do have to note that we don't make a big deal out of mother's day. We of course recognize it but sitting home would be kind of silly. It's up to us to show love and respect for our spouses every day in words and deeds, not just when Halmark says we should.

mrscoby78 · Feb 4, 2011

I think about this myself. 
 
While I would love to say "I am an Ironman" and get the ink, I just don't know how it would be feasible. Part of me thinks I'm just too damn lazy. Part of me thinks I'm lazy because I'm exhausted from being a working mom.
 
Maybe when I'm 40. The boys will be 18/19 and little girl will be 16. *shrug* 

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by Yo Sake <a href="/forum/thread/72445/a-workout-ate-my-marriage#post_1981395"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-right:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-bottom:0px solid;"></a> This is exactly why I don't see myself training for Ironman. 
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mommelisa · Feb 4, 2011

my opinion of this is - if you want it, you make it work - just like anything in life. i have a dh, two littles that need constant shuttling to and from, a job and a number of commitments in addition that require my time. but i also train and do ironman. that being said, i probably could be more competitive if i structured my training to be so - but my training has to come behind the other things i am responsible for. right now, i do it because i enjoy it and i also enjoy the social aspect of it since i'm not (as ksurp mentioned above) a happy hour kinda gal either. my greatest investment has been my coach who understands me, my responsibilities and my goals, and helps me to work through the particulars - how long, how often, etc, - and i rarely have a training week that exceeds 12 or 13 hours until peak week. 
 
my first ironman definitely DID cause problems, but mainly because my dh does not train and could not understand why in the world i would want to ride a bike for 5 or 6 hours - in a row (empahsis his...). after being able to see it all come together on race day, he realized how much i love it now and how much i've gained from training overall. he's definitely my number one fan now.
 
one note though - i like the training WAY more than the racing, so while i train most of the year - i do not race that often. one im and a few running races a year is about it.

jroden · Feb 4, 2011

I have noticed that there are insidious things that tend to impact the total hours spent disconnected from family as add additive to the total hours training. Some of the things I enjoy like driving my car to go for a group ride with friends for example are out the window. If I can ride from my front door and hook up with some guys on the road, it saves a lot of time. Driving to the gym or the pool, same deal.
 
My friends who are single or don't have kids often spend the day after a long ride lying around relaxing or taking a nap. I have a coffee and take over with the kids, maybe we all go skiing or whatever. 
 
Just working on the bike seems to burn a fair bit of time, usually after the kids go to bed I zip out to the garage to try and catch up.
 
I still find that I blow off home repair and upkeep tasks to train. I never noticed until I got hurt and couldn't train for a long time, I got a lot done. Now I'm back to my old lazy ways.
 
I guess I rationalize it away to some extent. Having some flexibility in my work schedule and an interest in shorter duration races is the key for me.

A Workout Ate My Marriage

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