<p><em>[warning: reveals heavy personal info]</em></p>
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<p>To my dear running friends with whom I've shared so many years of my life ...</p>
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<p>I posted something similar in Multi-Sport but would also like you to know what's going on ...</p>
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<p>Gustav's death was a shock not only to his family but also to his friends as he always presented himself as happy and joyous, a clown (like his mommy), very charismatic, and popular at school (especially with the girls). Who would have ever known the pain which he hid deep inside himself?</p>
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<p>To give you a hint though of the difficulty that he had to live with everyday ... imagine, even after his passing ... two visitations, two funerals (father's choice, not mine) and the father's girlfriend interrupting both of my services insisting that Gustav was HER son. And this, my friends, was just the tip of the iceberg ... some of you already know my sad and horrible story of parental alienation, how they tried to cut me out of my own children's lives.</p>
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<p>My son did what he, in his young fragile mind, believed was best to escape the pain ... Our case slipped through the cracks of the social work and justice systems years back, then I ran out of money for the legal fight but continued trying in other ways ... but then I ran out of time and could not save him.</p>
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<p>Don't worry, the T-man is safe with me and has been for months (and getting lots of attention and affection), and we are presently in the legal process of making sure that this will stick. I had been convinced that Gustav would be back with us by next spring latest and we'd be reunited and happily together like how we were years before "this" all started ...</p>
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<p>One day, I will tell the full story and I will ROAR so that this same horrific ending does not happen to another child ... I am truly living a parent's nightmare.</p>
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<p>All my love,</p>
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<p>Sally xo</p>
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<p>p.s. Please keep the support and love coming ... I need you to help me stay strong and focused for my oldest son ... I miss my little Gustav so incredibly much and the T-man and I are both entirely devastated.</p>
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<p><a class="H-lightbox-open" href="http://www.kickrunners.com/content/type/61/id/65727/width/1000/height/800/flags/" target="_blank"><img alt="DSC00212.JPG" class="lightbox-enabled" data-id="15430" data-type="61" src="http://www.kickrunners.com/content/type/61/id/15430/width/667/height/500" style="; width: 667px; height: 500px"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/888SillySally" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/user/888SillySally</a></p>
<p>(more videos to come later, subscribe for updates if you wish)</p>
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<p>This video of Gustav's pics was played at his funeral service and my friend Sheli Stevens sang, backed by two amazing musician friends. We honoured and blessed Gustav in a traditional Chinese ceremony with incense, burning of fake money (so that he would not lack for anything in his after-life), food (I made his favourite meal so that he would never go hungry), and then a blanket ceremony (so he would never get cold.)</p>
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<p>This is what I said ...</p>
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<p><span style="font-size:12px;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">What is there to say? There are no words …</span></span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">No words to communicate the joy I felt when you were born.</span></span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">No words to describe the excitement I felt with each of your milestones.</span></span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">No words to encompass all the laughs we shared.</span></span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">No words to explain how perfect life felt each time I held you in my arms.</span></span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">Gustav, you were still a boy.</span></span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">There are no words …</span></span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">No words to express my immense loss.</span></span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">No words to wind back time.</span></span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">No words to make the pain go away.</span></span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">No words to fix the hole torn through my heart, and I am bleeding … bleeding.</span></span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">I thought it was difficult when my mother passed away last year. But this … this … There’s an expression, “What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.” Frankly, I don’t need or want to be that strong. Gustav, I wish with all my heart that I could have you back.</span></span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">When I gave birth, Gustav became his own little separate being, ultimately responsible for his own actions and choices. Everyone has a path in life and I believe we are not here to judge or understand the paths of others but just to love. Everyone has his own time on the Earth.</span></span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;">Last year, a friend sent me the following poem after my mother’s death and I subsequently passed it on to friends who suffered loss, hoping it would somehow comfort them as much as it comforted me. I never thought for one second it would come back to me so soon.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;">Native American Prayer</span></span></strong><br><br><span style="color:#2831e4;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;">I give you this one thought to keep<br>
I am with you still – I do not sleep<br>
I am a thousand winds that blow<br>
I am the diamond glints on snow<br>
I am the sunlight on ripened grain<br>
I am the gentle autumn rain<br>
When you awaken in the morning’s hush<br>
I am the swift uplifting rush<br>
Of quiet birds in circled flight<br>
I am the soft stars that shine at night<br>
Do not think of me as gone<br>
I am with you still – in each new dawn.</span></span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:12px;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;">It’s a beautiful poem but maybe I’m not ready to hear it yet, or maybe I just don’t want to believe. I look to the Universe and I know that everything happens for a reason, everything happens for the best … but why does it have to hurt so much?</span></span></p>
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<p><span style="font-size:12px;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;">Strangely, the only solace I find is knowing that my mother is holding my precious Gustav in her loving arms and he is not alone.</span></span></p>
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<p><span style="font-size:12px;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;">Maybe one day I will understand the significance of this in the Universe but for now, I’ll just take it moment to moment, and then day by day. Life must go on.</span></span></p>
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<p><span style="font-size:12px;"><span style="font-family:verdana, sans-serif;">Gustav, you will always be “mon petit coco d’amour”. Toulouse et moi, on t’aime beaucoup. </span></span></p>
