Thoughts On Voo--Two Weeks Later

Hi Everyone--

I've been thinking a lot in the past few days about things that I've reflected on and learned in the past week or so since Voo died. I know that everyone processes grief things differently, some need to talk, some not so much, but I wanted to check in and see where people are this week.

(I know that sounds counselor-y, and maybe it is a bit, but I'm wondering more for my own sake if others thoughts are similar to mine.)

This has had a big, big impact in our little--or not so little--group. Just thought I'd open it for a bit of discussion. It's not intended to open wounds that are healing, but rather not to ignore the very big obvious hole, either.

Things I've learned:

I once wrote a poem with the line "there is no guarantee that the right life will gracefully leave those who eat green enough, run fast enough, cry soft enough..." that seems to fit here. I can't make sense of the randomness at times--that's the part I still can't quite get my arms around.

This groups means more to me than I knew. People would ask me why I was so upset about someone I had only met in person a few times and I honestlyhad to ask that same question. I then realized it's because I talk with some of you more than I talk with my own family. These are really important relationships. The aren't just online, they aren't just imaginary. You guys are my friends.

I'm sorry. I've pissed friends off, family off, some of you I'm sure are more than annoyed by posts I've posted or things I've done or said. I'm sorry for those things, truly--they were not intentional.

I'm glad for relationships I've re-kindled. Some of you I lost--that it took this to get them back is tragic, but still good that you are there again.

I really miss Voo's posts. I do. I miss his humor and his stories--I've come to realize through Voo that we are our stories. I miss that Voo was so good at doing that. I sometimes don't know what to do about filling that space because it's a big one. I keep thinking he'll post again any day now. That will take a long time to get used to.

Don't be afraid. I'd label Voo as lots of things, but "gutsy" is the word I always used for him and still do...I want to be a little more gutsy beause some things I do are really fueled by fear. "Life by the balls", as it were.

I'm glad it was fast for him. I don't think Voo did many things subtley; and I"m glad that his death was not a long drawn out process. It is one of the few things that truly gave me comfort.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Just thought I'd throw it out there.

(see...see the gutsy part??)

Hugs to you all-

Craney

Very nicely said, Crane.

I cannot put into words how I feel. A very large part of my world, and likely my future is gone. I don't know where to go from here. So, I am running... trying to finish what he started and helped me start for myself... and I find comfort there.

I have so many feelings and I don't know you all too well. I don't want you all to think I'm nuts or anything. But, I did love him.... very much.

The one thing that I also realized this week is that Voo would want everyone to live just a little more and like Craney said, be a bit gutsier. He'd never force anyone to be that way, of course, nor outwardly say anything but he'd lead by example. I meant to start a thread yesterday that encouraged and challenged us all to do something Voo-like. Or start a new habit that was Voo-like. Maybe just do something you wouldn't normally do, something in the moment perhaps or something that you'd label "out of character" for you.

Think about it.

Very well said Crane and we love you too!

Ive had a hard time trying to get folks I know in my world away from Kick to understand how I have such a void in my life now. As Melis said, folks who arent a part of something like this dont quite get how I can feel such a loss for someone I was only physicaly in the presence of 3 times.

The 30s have been a daily part of my life for 3.5 years or more now. Yes some folks come and go, I dont intereact with some of you much if at all but as a whole you all are a part of my life. There are some here who I have developed relationships with and have shared some things with that I havent even shared with people away from Kick.

I will never forget Voo. For all that he was, all the support, the funny stories, the courageousness/determination all those things and more that made Joe who he was.

For me, not being here as much lately makes it harder in some ways to deal with this. Its just one of those deals were I keep thinking yeah Ive not been around and I just keep missing Joes posts and tomorrow I catch up with him. Well tomorrow will come and go and Joe wont be there. Ill be here but I know thats not the same to youze guys. Im not Voo. But Ill VTFU and carry on as he wouldve wanted us to.

I like Maria's idea of challenging ourselves to do something Voo like. Something out of the box and un characteristic of ourselves. Im not sure what that might be for me but I know Ill give it a whirl.

You all are such a great group, dont ever change a thing!

Well said Crane and Maria.

Crane nice summary of pretty much everything that is in my head

Maria I actually was just talking to someone about this yesterday, about taking something of him forward. My wheels are already in motion.

I firmly believe that people we lose are still with us in lots of ways. I believe they still look down on us and play a role in our lives. SO while not having those we lost here physically is just awful, remembering there are part of who we are makes me feel better. Of all the significant people in my life I have lost, I can point out very specific parts of me that I credit to them.

One final thought...we all miss Joe and always will, we love him and always will. As corny as it sounds, he wouldn't want us to be sad and to dwell and to stay stuck in grief. I think what Maria said is absolutely perfect, pick something to challenge yourself with and go for it. THAT is the perfect way to honor his spirit!

Love you all, more than I can tell you!

I agree with a lot that's already been said, especially about how I talk to you folks every day and I only talk to my best friend in the non-virtual world every other week or so and my mother with about the same frequency. Running is such a huge part of my life, and you're the only ones who really get it. I have new friends here who are awesome and supportive and know that it's important, but you folks have been with me since Day 1 of c25k over 2 years ago. You read about my disastrous first race and helped me keep running so I could experiences more races that were far less disastrous. You've encouraged me and supported me, and while I know there are many bonds on here that are stronger than what I have with most of you, you're all important to me and I carry all of you with me.

Yesterday I listened to an old Phedippidations (Episode 72, November 26, 2006) about Jim Fixx, one of the fathers of the modern running movement who died of a heart attack during a run at the age of 52. One of the things that struck me was that the podcast host said that there was so much written about Fixx's death that he had a hard time finding information about his life. Fixx believed that running protected runners from ailments, such as heart disease, so when he died, people fixated on his death. I'm glad to see, and would insist if I didn't, that we're all focusing much more intently on Voo's life and how we can honor that than his death. Of course we're sad, and I'm not trying to downplay anyone's grief, but I want to remember Voo for his life and how it impacted mine. I also hope that people who have been hesitant to go to the doctor do so. But moreso, I hope that we live big so that when our time comes, we will have lived life fully.

Oh, Melissa, your poetry sounds beautiful. I would love to read more.

I have a confession...I have actually made it sound to people I know IRL as though I'd actually met Voo, just for that whole thing of "How can you be this upset over someone you've never even met"? I don't ever make it sound like we were best buds, hanging out every weekend, but I say something vague like, "Well, I know I was never physically with him many times [try any!] but we in this running community are with each other every day." That feels wrong for me, because authenticity is very important to me---I don't want to claim a right to a depth of feeling that I don't have---but this really does defy description.

Meeting up with people at OBX is my Voo-like courageous thing. I'm not good in crowds. I'm socially awkward. I've stayed away from 30s meetups for these reasons but, moreso, because it feels very self-indulgent to ask my family to understand that I am taking several days away from them and spending several hundred dollars that we really can't spare, just so I can "have fun".

This time was different. I have had some struggles in my personal life that are only tangentially related and are probably interesting to only me (and even to me, they're kind of meh), but I knew beyond a doubt that I would not be able to sit well with not being at OBX. I wish all of us could be there.

I'm talking a lot. It's what I do.

Final thought---I thought of Voo on my run this morning, several times, both when I was struggling and when it was going well. I was thinking about how finish lines are hard for me---I psyche myself out about .25 to .5 miles before the finish, no matter what the distance I've run, and I struggle. So, I was thinking about his bellowing "GET THE F**K OUT OF MY WAY!!!" and imagining doing that myself. For those of you who haven't met me, I'm about 5'1", and I have curly hair that I wear in pigtails when I run---more Cindy Brady than Knotty Boy. I may just have to do that in a race someday.

Don't be afraid. Just VTFU.

I find that I have to tell myself that a lot lately and I'm not sure how well it's working.

I've been away for a long time and I can't promise that I'm going to be back. My absence started off as "oh sh!t, my foot hurts" after my last marathon in October. I wasn't running much, so I felt like I didn't have anything to contribute. Well, it still hurts and I'm still not running much. W*rk has been intermittently crazy and working for the gov't can be unsettling during a budget crisis when they threaten to lay you off or eliminate your position every other week.

The other thing that was going on was that my partner decided that I wasn't worth her time or effort after 7+ years together. After a particularly dreadful late winter and spring, I bought a house, packed up all my stuff, and moved. I still spend a little too much time navel-gazing and considering that she may be right, perhaps I'm not worth the time or effort.

But considering that I've known lots of you going on five years now and talk to you on facebook or email even if I'm not wandering the halls of KR, I know that all of you are worth my time and effort. Like many of us have said, I talk to you more than I talk to my foo (family of origin) and face it, running or not, we have more in common. All of you are my family of choice and that's what matters. So, like the long lost cousin who shows up late to Thanksgiving, hi, here I am, hope there's some cranberries left for me, I've missed you, how are you all?

Sage wow, you just made me all misty eyed. Pull up a chair, skip the cranberries and move right on to the pumpkin pie! Real friends share dessert!

PIE? I'm gettin' her a drink!

sage, I don't know you at all, but I like you already

Sage is very awesome, plus she has a great first name/last name combo, so when you get emails from her, you can say her name out loud in a fancy voice.

If you were that kind of person, of course...

I haven't posted too much about my thoughts on Joe. What I keep finding is that I've told a lot of people about him. That he was my friend and he was a great person. That he wrote for Waste News (my nerdy, librarian friends know the journal) and did for his whole career and loved it. That he was a big Italian guy with long dreads and a kind heart. That he tried to nurse a baby bird back to health and was so sad when he couldn't. That he was notorious for wearing a caveman costume in races. That he told lots of people who aren't 30s about the christmas ornaments. That I was very lucky to have spent a few hours here and there alone with him, just by chance. And he was so funny but also deeply caring.

That it's so shocking he died.

I didn't cry too much really. I did when I read what other people wrote and I did when I started to think that the last time I saw him was in Toledo and I wish I'd known. I keep hearing his voice in my head though, every time I see his photo at the bottom of the screen and i kept the avatars turned off because I don't want to see him with every post.

I keep thinking he was so smart and lived a good life for himself. That I should try to do the same, to find happiness and joy in everything that I can. I will never have the determination or inner strength when it comes to running that he did, but I can live the best life possible for me and I think he taught me that in part.

And, I will try to alligator next time it's on the menu.

I feel much the way some of you guys do about this group. I never thought I'd have a group of "imaginary friends" that mean so much to me. KR (or CR before it) wasn't the first web forum that I participated in, but I never became close with anyone from anywhere else. I certainly never flew around the country to spend time with those people.

I've been telling people that "one of my best friends" passed away. So when I say that he lived in Ohio, people raise an eyebrow. "Did he used to live near you?" No. "Did you go to high school or college together?" No. "Did you work together?" No. When I say that he's someone I know from a chatroom, people are perplexed.

Someone even asked me, "How many times did you see him in person?" The answer is six times. (Six separate weekend occasions, that is). That doesn't sound like much. I've seen the clerk at CVS hundreds of times. I've seen people at the gym a zillion times, some of whom I'm friendly with. So six times doesn't sound like a lot in comparison. But it's apparently enough.

And I saw Joe as much as I've seen anybody in this group, so most of you I've met fewer than six times. Some of you I've never met in person at all. And yet I still feel I'm "good friends" with everybody here. So if this group has taught me anything, it's that friendship isn't defined by proximity. That said, I'm still looking forward to seeing as many of you guys as possible, in OBX and in many other meet-ups throughout the years...

He would eat anything. Right before a race. Didn't matter. He always looked for the oddest thing on the menu.

* * * * * *

SAGE!!!!

We both had bison burgers the night before the marathon in South Dakota. Not the typical pre-race pasta...

i've had some time to process all your words, to process saying goodbye, and to process the enormity of not feeling VJ's ongoing presence in my life. and i'm struggling a bit still with the finality of it.

i know who he was, and who he was to me. i know who he was to you all through your words, and that feels good to me. i know who i was to him, and i'm feel blessed to have had the opportunity to have so many conversations with him about simply everything. online and over the phone and in person. i'm blessed to have had so many conversations with many of you, and i appreciate the time that we've spent.

it comes to mind that moving forward is the only direction to go. that he would have allowed himself the time and space to be sad if it had been someone else he loved instead of him, because sometimes he didn't like change very much. that life goes on for the living and the best way i know how to honor him is to pick up one or more of the torches that he carried and try to take it further. sorry, VJ, it's not going to be the guitar.

i won't pretend to be an expert in what he would have wanted or what he would have done in every situation we face, but he wouldn't have wanted us to, either. he was really very good at representing himself and standing behind his stances. he valued our own stances and appreciated us for them. instead of trying to do what he would do, i'll try to remember that his perspective was unique and a great balancing force for many.

i will truly live today. and every other day from this day on. the rest of my reaction might grow and develop as time passes, but i'm sure that this will be the constant.

I've been thinking a lot about Joe and what I can learn from him. He had a determination to get things done that I envy. So many things in my life are just left undone because of a lack of follow through on my part. My intentions are always good but sometimes that's where it ends. I am going to try to be better about this.

During the Chicago marathon 05, I passed Joe along the course. He was having a really rough day and was walking and looking dejected. I was having a great race and on my way to a 30 minute PR but yet when I saw him I stopped and walked with him a bit. I knew that's what he would do for me or anyone else he saw struggling. I hope that meant something to him. He had hoped for a great race that day and it clearly wasn't happening.

Sage- and anyone else who stops posting temporarily because they aren't running- please don't. You have just as much to contribute. Joe would welcome people back and didn't care whether they were on a running hiatus or not. FWIW, Sage you are one of my all time favorite people who I'm never met- and it makes me sad to hear your story above. You're in my thoughts and deserve much, much better.

Sage, you know I wasn't making fun of your name, right? I love your name, and I think that you are so seriously superb. Heck, my last name is Loud.

Crap. This is what I mean by being socially awkward. Don't mean to ruin Voo's thread with my own stuff.

Diane, you're not ruining the thread.

I am still processing...I feel like I want to post, but I'm not quite sure what I want to say. I'm working on it.

random thoughts:

*i think of voo on every run.

*how fitting was it that his last run was a 20 miler?

*his absence has felt huge. like a deep chasm that can't and won't ever be filled.

Along with many, many other thoughts...I think Voo might have been someone who would say things to help us all through such a tragic event, which makes his absence all that more noticeable/painful. (if that makes any sense??)

Perfect sense Cus.

I wish I had some of those words, but I suck at words. I've been trying to think of how to describe where I am, but.... gaa.

Until the last year when I've had to take several personality/strength tests for work, I never noticed how adaptable I am. Every 'test' rated me really high in that. The last 2 weeks I've been really grateful for that. I don't mean that to sound cold, just.... I have faith the next day, heck, the next 5 minutes, are going to be better than the last.

The first couple days were crushing for me. Partly my own grief, partly reading about everyone else's. It hurts me to watch people suffer. Doesn't matter if I know them or not. When I do know them it's that much worse, which is a huge part of why - on top of having lost a loved one - I hate funerals, and why this one was so hard for me.

As much as I hate them, I am really glad I went. It provided some closure, so I could take a deep breath and move on. I've been taking lots of deep breaths. And talking about him a lot, telling funny stories, laughing at the memories. Mostly, I'm ok.

I miss him. I miss his posts. I miss his humor. I miss his encouragement.

Running Akron without him is going to be really really weird.